Saturday, December 29, 2007

when the drugs hit

further and further
i guess
it is like
starting over
again.
you can't tell
where
it is going
or how
it is going
to end.
all you know
is that you
must keep going
down
farther and
farther
to find
the reason
to keep
moving on.


i am a stranger
in my own bed
when you are not there.


is it wrong
that i have
had thoughts
of you
out of the
usual ones
that i have of you?



surfer

i stopped pinning
hope on people
and now
merely ride
the motion
of the moment.
it is much
more
bearable.

Friday, December 28, 2007

son vrai qu'ils disent du coeur / fait voler un désir

un juego
i wouldn't
call it disappointment
because this is
exactly what
i expected from you.
i would rather call it
a nuisance.
it is funny
how predictable
people can be.
we are creatures of habit
if anything.
we'll make plans again
some other time
i am sure
and this time
i'll be the one
to not keep them.


a french pseudonym
there is a name
i chose not to say
not because
i have any ill will
but rather because
i want to be careful
that i dont break
any eggshells as i walk
across them.
don't want to jinx
events
that have yet to pass.
so this
is as far as
i'll go with this.
and if there is
a future
i'll save the rest
for then.


To Here Knows When
this sound
makes my heart leap
and want to go out
into the light of the day
and run as far
into the distance
as i can.
this could be the soundtrack
to life
and all the joys it brings.
your words don't need to mean
anything because
your voices
sound so beautiful
already.



when it is ready
it will happen.
when it is ready
will be when
it is needed most.


one is alone
as much as i desire
to be out and among
the night and its denizens
i have grown to enjoy
the simple pleasures of
being at home
and at peace with oneself
at night.
both are wonderful
and equally as needed.
i need to be
in the middle of happenings
as much as i need
time to be utterly alone.
both feed equal
parts of me
in different ways.
heres to the one
that enjoys a night
of quiet solitude.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

me and you as a bankrupt proposition

loop
everything
seems to come back
around and repeat
itself in some sort
of way that implies
much of life
is a bigger joke
than we might realize.
so it should come
as no surprise
when the
expected
happens again.

repeater
we go over
the same old words
time after time
when we speak,
when we write
to each other.
is it that hard to expect
something different?
or do we really
play this game
as disconcertingly
well as it seems?



dead space
this is the truth.
this is a lie.
this is an absolute.
this is a random variable.
this is how.
this is why.
this is how is isn't.
this is just.
this is injustice.
this is you without a face.
this is where this piece ends.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

embrace of the abyss

do you want it or need it?
this game
that we have been playing
has been going on
for quite some time.
it always goes
back and forth
in a teasing manner
that seems to
get us both
going somewhere
but then nowhere.
perhaps in another
night or so
things might change
for the better.
or so i hope.


real history is not in the text books
history
writes itself
every day whether
or not we
are paying attention
to the world around us.
we are mostly
unaware
of the events in our
world of
true importance.
the details
and significance
of these is not
always apparent
at the moment.
only with an impartial
eye looking backwards
can we grasp
history.

between santa barbara and the south bay
we have gotten older my friend
and each of us
occupies a space
that perhaps
could have been reversed
in the past.
now we fill
opposite
parts of ourselves
and meet up
to talk these things over.
over dinner
and some tea
we grow deeper
in our understanding
of each other
and where we
are going no
matter
how different
our similar minds
make themselves
out to be.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

sacrosanct

how quickly these days
pass as we wait
on other things
to come true.


when you wake
from that sleep
you have been living in
will the name you think of
be mine?


it gets easy to think
that life is slipping by
as we sit here
waiting for some kind of word
from the outside world.
too often waiting
is just a part of life
we must live with
but not be beholden to.


i feel much better
and alive when
i am living at night.


were you secretly
hoping that i had my
heart caught up on you
waiting for you to come
to me?


fragments of truth
are much better
than no truth
at all.


orwell
you might have been right
when saying that
the future
could best be described
as a human face
being stomped on
by a boot
forever.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Ou et Quand?

amelie poulain
as if you were
some kind of angel
looking over my shoulder
you remind me
of what it was like
to be a child
once more
by showing me
the forgotten remains
of my childhood.
all of it could fit
inside of one small tin.
a reminder that
perhaps
there is still time
to make something
out of the time
i have left.


lesson learned
awake tonight
i can finally say
i have learned
how to love
and appreciate
some of the things
i have taken for granted
in the past.
sitting here now
i know
that none of this
will last
and to learn to
love this while
i can.


a quel'heur?
the cold
winter wind
is blowing by
outside
as the midnight
hour ticks by
ever closer.
moment by moment
it edges us
to morning.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

donde vamos no hay nadien

a haunting of sorts
we continue to
surprise each
other
it seems.
the things
i've seen in you
feel dead
in me.
only a shell
remains
of memory.
perhaps
it might be
better
if i just
let you be
in that past
we both shared.
but the
present persists
despite
everything.


practicando
i don't mind
spending
hours and hours
locked away
in some space
crafting and
creating
something
from nothing.
i would rather
do that than
anything else.
to bring life
to that which
previously
had no presence
in our world.
all this sound
all this fury
being forced
into one
razor sharp point.


let me sleep
these troubles away.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

naissance et fin

Nosotros y Dali
this day
with you
is one of the better
ones that
i have had
a chance
to have.
we are
apart
most of the time
but
every time
we spend together
makes me feel
that much more
closer
to being
whole.

fairy tale man
oh,
Edward.
you were
always an outsider
weren't you?
your
innocence
remained
as pure
as your intentions
even when
you became
part of the
world below.
your imagination
knew no bounds
even when
you were
most alone
at home
above everyone
else.
you were too pure
to remain.
driven back up
to your home
where
your father
never awoke.
so you
remain alone
again
but with
those memories
from the
world below
to keep you
dreaming.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

let the rain fall where it may

not so bad
today has been
the type of day
i like to have
but don't
always get.
waking up
not too late
but
not too early
in the morning.
then
being engaged
in the creative
act known
as making music.
soon after
doing the work
which earns my living
followed by
a nice short time
enjoying some tea.
then catching up
with friends
and their newborn
at their place.
then to close it all up
some time at home
with a movie.
i guess i am
getting old.
so what,
this is actually
not so bad.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

organizing disorder

cardboard boxes
going through boxes
of old things
has filled me with
the sense that
the past
is not yet done
and that if anything
it is only
beginning to be
understood
by me.
it fills me with
the hope
that i do have
the power in me
to change
myself
and make sacrifices
when i need to.


productivity
i have spent this night
like i have a few others,
alone.
in my solitude
this night
i have found it
most beneficial
because i have found
the time
i don't always have
and long for.
the time
to do the little things
that life demands
and to have those moments
to see the remains
of past lives
laid bare
in objects,
photographs
and other detritus.
the music plays on
in the background
as it always does.
a gentle reminder
of the world
and moments
gone.

page break?
i am making order
of all the things
i had let fall
into unorganization
by way of neglect.
perhaps this is
the start of
a new chapter.
or
at the very least
the start of a new
paragraph.

motherhood
my friend
your life has changed
so much within the last
few weeks.
where as i am little removed
from my current post in life
you have taken on a new one
entirely
by fulfilling
a role
that many are called to
but which
i think you
will excel in
by the kindness and warmth
of your nature.
you will be
the best mother
a child could have.

cup of tea?
i am learning
a new type of
patience
and
restraint
whenever
i sit down
with my
cup of tea.
it is not a
pleasure
to be rushed.
it is one
to be enjoyed
thoroughly
with as much
time as possible
being made
available to it.
the cup is
empty now
and the teabags
sit
drained of their
essence
and into me.


like tonight
some nights are
more productive
than others for writing.
some nights
i have to wring out
every word
from my mind into
my hands.
other nights
i am much more
fortunate
and the words
come out
like paint
spilling onto
a canvas.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

nature reveals everything hidden.

no shadow, only light
obscure the truth
in words
that shadow
meaning from view.
we have bound ourselves
together
as much as we may
rip ourselves apart.
its a complicated
reality
but one
i am willing to live
in order
to strive
for the things
i believe.
nothing will
hold me back
as long as
i give
everything to this.


mother rain
how sweet
it is to hear your
voice
coming down
from above
once again
this night.
hearing you
from inside
makes me
wonder how
i can live
without that
sound
for so long.


I shot myself down before you had a chance to.

if you keep shooting bullets at your feet eventually you'll blow them off.
stop being so dramatic.
you are much stronger
than you give yourself
credit for.
you can only keep
saying those
things for so long
before you make me
believe them.
you will not die
from not having money,
no one likes not having money
but its not the end of the fucking world.
you are stronger than this.
if you need help
all you need to do is ask.
we understand
even though you never think
we do.
you are stronger than this.
so
stop trying to make me think
otherwise.

Monday, December 17, 2007

we must learn to lose before we can win

fence sitting on the wall
we sit
on the wall
between extremes
waiting
to jump down
on one side
or another.
coming down
from such
a great height
is sure
to break some bones
and leave
some scars.
climbing down
is not an option.
jumping is
the only way
out of this one.
will it hurt?
will the pain of the body
mending itself be great?
most certainly,
though it is much better
to suffer it
than die
sitting,
waiting
for salvation.

"i am iris in the lens"
it's been so long
so why not just
a little longer?
this anxiety
is killing me.
distant arms
waiting to embrace me
might as well
be miles
beneath the sea.
there is a figure
in the distance
whose face
is hidden
but voice
keeps calling,
calling me.

the perversion of our time
what sort of perversion
of living
has our age become?
living so safe
and comfortable
in our homes
looking at the world
through
the myriad of screens
we own.
we connect
to others
in ways not conceivable once
but remain so much more alone.
our technology
has not made us any wiser.
it has only made us lonelier
and more desperate to connect
to a world
we are losing touch with
one screen at a time.


surrender.
have i am always been a sleepless dreamer?


hindsight renders random into order.
random occurrences
are what seem to make
most of my life.
though i suppose
that is not entirely true.
things always seems so random
at the moment they occur.
often times
it takes weeks,
months
or years
for the randomness
to disappear
and reveal itself
as a beautiful
example
of order or
cause and consequence.
living so near
these moments
causes me to wonder
how time will
reveal its order
and reason
for these events.


nothing to do
but this.
knowing no truth
but this.


self-centered bastards
at heart
most art
in all the arts
comes down
to some sort
of ego boosting
self aggrandizement.
this doesn't have to seen
as a bad thing.
but art is a beautiful by product
of such action.
great artists should not care
what the public perceives
of their work.
art should only exist
as the result
of the purest form
of expression
and honesty
possibly from that person
at that moment.


there is no humor in tumor
but there is an i
in sight.

homebody
it is too easy
to just sit here
and muse all night
while
life and living
take place
in the dark places
outside
at night.

body
some one
any one
to take
this
and make it
some thing
good
once again.

steps
better honest here
than living
a lie in my mind.
better
a truth teller
than a fortune seller.
this is the attempt,
the process
by which thought
will become
action.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

oh honey, how sweet it is.

LK
making chit chat
is what we were doing last night.
in between the sounds of revelry
we stood there speaking
of our lives,
of our selves.
you put me at ease quickly
and i enjoyed those moments.
looking at your beautiful eyes
melted my heart.
you could have asked me for anything
and it would have been yours
with your words and that gaze.
perhaps some other night
i can look into those eyes once more.


chet
for all your troubles
and there were
many,
many
of them,
you had a sound
as pure
as angels singing.
though perhaps
the devil lived
in your heart.
your struggle
and pain
destroyed your beauty
but that sound remained.
you were a man
who made all too many mistakes
but would always have
that beautiful,
beautiful sound.

this
this has become
more than just a need.
this has gone on to the realm
of a daily function.
no matter
how dull
the day may seem,
there is more to it
than that
just below the surface
into the heart of the matter.
so for that
and many other reasons
i do this now
as often as i do
and would not have it
any other way.

bills evans love theme from spartacus
more impressionistic
than any painting,
more sublime than any joy,
this music
occupies a space
known to but a select few.
to the place where
beauty and truth
remain.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

If You Don't Jump Over The Edge...

If You Don't Jump Over The Edge You Will Never Know What Is At The Bottom.
in recent nights
i have enjoyed the role
of being a spectator
far more than
the good time drunk
that i would some times be.
to be the man of clear mind
amidst those whose minds
have taken a brief sabbatical
has been enlightening.
where once i would have been
in the middle of such madness
now i can look on and be in it
but not of it.
seeing young women
in states of extreme inebriation,
seeing young men yelling to each other
or making advances on
those same young women
takes on an air of
a comedic drama.
drinks are poured and imbibed,
stories are relayed,
music is played,
feet stumble in the dark,
smoke emanates from mouths
and friendships are made
for one time uses.
it could all be preparation
for the time
when such gatherings
will have to end
by sheer necessity
to the lives that will
soon be led.
mistakes are made by the gross,
lessons learned by the handful
and innocence lost by the bushel.
my time to join in will come again
but not without the lessons i am learning
from my experience and observation.
the morning after
is always the cruelest of teachers.


the soul disease
bring silence
and learn to live
with the sound of nothing.
that is the greatest fear
of the modern mind...
to live in absolute
silence.
to do such
would drive
most men
of our time
to madness.

a pass in time
your reflection
is passing in the mirror
and as soon as you have gone
it too will have
left.
i see you in my mind
for those brief moments
that our two paths
crossed.
perhaps we will meet again
some other night.
perhaps we will never meet again.


the artist as sculptor
and creator of worlds.


gente
flowers blooming
in the summer sun
will never again
look so beautiful.
wither and die
or plucked out
and left to wait
in a watery
coffin.

Friday, December 14, 2007

the more you know the less you live.

nothing to it
there is no heaven.
there is no hell.
there is nothing
but
this world we have made.
there is no black
there is no white
there is nothing but gray.
there are things that matter.
there are things that don't.
there is no past.
there is no future.
there is only this moment which we are living.
there is no such thing as objectivity.
there is only subjective.
there is no truth i am offering.
only you can know that for yourself.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

make the mark then move

25
i don't feel my age
as advanced
or young
as it may be.
i am still sorting
through life
and all its
offerings.
i hope to do so
for much
much longer.
the desire
to learn
to absorb has always been there,
will always be there.
i can only hope
for more years
to take
more and more
in.


start
we may be
relative strangers
but that is not
to say
that we will not
grow close
as time
and experiences
are shared
between us.

la gata y el oso
thank you cat.
we are opposite sides
of the same mind.
that
is why we work
so well.
you are madness and exhilaration
and
i am steadfast and hopeful.
let us continue on
in this way
as long as life permits

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

shards of glass in front of the frame.

we walk on the edge
all the time
without even knowing it.


we must show no fear
to our
insecurities.


compromise?
all the time.


creativity
must never be stifled.
it must be embraced
and allowed to
run wild
across the fields.


self limiting prophecy.


don't tell me no,
don't tell me you don't know.


like sand on a beach,
thoughts scattered
in all directions.



marking the passage of time
into the forward march.

Monday, December 10, 2007

We Were Strangers When We Met

magic trick
time
is not something
i like to keep track of.
i would much rather
live from
moment to
moment and
day to
day
than keep track of it all.
at some point though
it does become
a thing
i reluctantly do.
so many of life's
worthwhile pursuits
are best done
and enjoyed
without
regard to time
and consequence.
time
is the greatest
illusion that
we all
believe.


the noise in corners
we were strangers
when we met
and we are
strangers still.
it is only
in our modern age
that such things
are possible.
to be friends
across distance
and still be strangers.
perhaps this is not
entirely true
but it does seem like it
from time to time.
our technology
is closing the distance
between continents
and widening
the chasm
among people.

kind of like right now,almost
the most irritating
thing about getting
sick is when
you know
your body is fighting it off
and the
miserable state
you must endure
when you are
on the mend.


you beautiful stranger.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

grant great gears gas grenades

seeing the end
of things
is usually
a unique moment
in time
as the old ways
are put away
to make room
for the new.

catalyst
our shared past
seems like a burden sometimes
when i think about
the things that i have wanted
from you.
perhaps this whole time
i have been looking at things
the wrong way.
we seem tied together,
for better or worse
to each other now.
maybe i have been selfish
in wanting you for myself.
maybe i have been delusional
all this time,
though we have both said
we are matching halves.
i remember your words from last night
about how
whenever you are with me
you feel more at ease.
perhaps something
to do with
my aura
you said.
you do the same to me
my dear heart.
heres to our complicated
history.


irrelevant title
even the most mundane
things would be
the most entertaining
with you around me.
and they usually are.
i could spend all day with you
and never be bored.
we are becoming
the people we need to be
together
though our lives
might be becoming
divergent paths.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

may the day greet you as kin and treat you well

may the day greet you as kin and treat you well
sometimes the most
comforting thing
can be
a reconnection
after a period
of absence.
like two lines
intersecting
on a plane
headed in
two different directions.
words exchanged
can be the difference
that show
we are of like minds
in this vast world.
so thank you
for that.
people like you
make me believe
this is
the right path.


went to a party on a friday night
the difference between
that night
and any other night like it
from my recent past
is that
in the midst of the crowd
of bodies
moving amongst
each other
is that
my mind retained
the clarity
i used to drown
with the typical
thing.
being able to be
cognizant
of all which
surrounded me
is not as bad
as i used to think.
perhaps i am getting old
or perhaps
this is the clarity
i have been looking for
at the bottom
of all
those bottles.


for all the right reasons
do it for love.
do it for the joy.
do it for yourself.
do it because only you
can
do it in such a way.


there is my mind
i remember the first time
i heard those beautiful
vocals
coming through
the speakers
like an aural apparition
singing to me
from the great beyond.
hearing it now
as then
is still beautiful.
thank you for those
beautiful sounds
touching me
in such a way.


the days last longer than they should
and the nights never long enough.

Friday, December 7, 2007

being a narcoleptic bear isn't everything it's cracked up to be

a note of concern
are you
too young
and beautiful
for your own
good?
at the rate
which you are
giving yourself
away
i worry
that when
it all goes away
and you are alone
you might
realize
you have
emptied yourself
to men
who saw
nothing more
than an easy
opportunity.


take a guess
how many more mornings
will you get to live?
don't think about it
too much.
it's better to just
take each one
as it dawns.
the morning light
can be so beautiful
and so punishing.


no importa quien
i want to hold you
but i say nothing.
i want to kiss you
but i say nothing
i want to love you
but i say nothing.
i am too content
to watch you
from this distance,
craving your touch
as i do nothing.


we die every night.
we are reborn every morning.
we are the phoenix which
mythology spoke of.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

the moonlight is brighter than any midday sun

if this night doesn't get us first
then the inevitable
march of the hours
will.
if this night doesn't get us first
then perhaps
dawns approach will.


it is better to
run
with the hunted
than to die
in peaceful
surrender.

some do it for money, some do it for attention, some do it to fill the emptiness.
how many
of them watching you
know you?
you have become
entertainment
for them.
i do not
posit to know you
as well as
you think i know you.
i merely care
enough
to wonder
about their intentions.
but it is not
my business
to tell you
how to live
your life.
look into the camera
and into their
empty eyes.


i feel ill
at ease
when i talk to you now.
knowing we are not
alone.
so its better then
that i only see you
on the infrequent basis
that we do.

between me and the glass.
it is funny
how recently
i was still ready
to succumb
to that darkness
that has been around me.
how easily
i gave in to it
night after night.
the darkness
still remains
but now i know
that it cannot harm me.
i've been the only one
all along
that can.

no happy ending
i regret nothing
except
that one afternoon
with you
when you gave me
a chance
and i left it on
your cheek
and not
on your lips.


tu sabes quien eres.
back and forth
back and forth
back and forth
back and forth
back and forth
always
going
nowhere.
back and forth
back and forth
until i
got bored with it.
there is no
back and forth
now.
just me
and my thoughts
about
how much time was
ill spent
on an empty
pointless
pursuit.


don't get the wrong idea.
it is not all darkness.
it is not all loneliness.
there is a light
shining
as dim as it may be
far ahead,
almost imperceptible
beckoning
me.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

employees must wash hands before returning to work

patterns
settling into routine
can be the most
mind numbing
and soul crushing
of things.
in other instances
it can actually be
something
good and comforting.
sometimes one
can become
the other.
actually,
a lot of times
one does become
the other.

the distance of memory
if i still missed you
i suppose we would
still talk
on a regular basis.
how did we let our selves
get this way?
it was too easy
and too gradual
and now
we are
poles
apart.

temporal beings in a temporal world in an endless cycle

this space, this time
we all belong
to a very specific
time and place
in history
as well as
within
each others
lives.
we occupy
that space
in the only way
we know how:
by living in it.
but in time
all this
shall pass.

french woman at an italian deli
you were
an older
french woman
whom i met
in an italian
delicatessen.
you had a teenage
son in high school
at my alma mater.
all i could think of
the time we spoke
was how gorgeous
you were and what
i wouldn't have done
to posses you then.


perhaps i am finally running out of space
after all this time
of having too much.

one thing that i have noticed as i have gotten older is how certain behaviors in people
never change. the more they should change the more they stay the same.

who am i to judge your happiness?
who are you to judge mine?

there is no such thing as a right path.
each one taken is a needed one
in order to get
to the next unknown space
in this life.

more and more
this is becoming a workshop
for my mind
my hands
my heart
to let the things out
that have no voice
in any other capacity
in my life.

the difference between the madmen who lead
and the madmen we jail
is that one leads public opinion
while the other
is incarcerated by it.

beauty can illustrate
the hope of the divine
while ugliness
can be
its very honest
retort.

late nights become early mornings all too easily.

Monday, December 3, 2007

all my mistakes and yours

i blame a few women, the rest is on me.
my tired heart
is taking
a well deserved
break
from the
trials
and false hopes
i have put it
through.
even with that
in mind
all it wishes
to do
is to give
itself
to someone
that can
understand
and love it
the way
it has always
hoped for.


so i hear
so i hear
through the grapevine
that you are engaged
and to be
married soon.
you,
much like
others from
that time
have drifted apart
as we each
have pursued
our loves in life.
perhaps our friendship
is best confined
to those places
and times
where we were
young.
if you even invited me,
i wonder...
would i go?



distance and proximity.

will we grow
into our dreams
or outgrow
and shed them?
it could
be either.
so it'll
be a surprise
when the moment
finally comes.


we should never be afraid to make mistakes
as long as we are ready to learn from them.
not being able to learn from our mistakes
is perhaps the worst and most unforgivable
thing one can do.


we try each and every day.
if we didn't
what would be the point?

Sunday, December 2, 2007

the heart treads where the mind fears to go.

sometimes
life corrects itself
after a period
of instability.


have we grown so far apart
that we could pass each other
in the street
as strangers once more?


a telling thing
this is my real voice
not the voice you hear
when i speak in person
but the voice
that is always
within my mind.
it is free.
it is unencumbered
by any sort of filter
to the thoughts
that spring forth
from this font.


lejos
maybe this is
the distance
the two of us
have always needed.
especially for me
to get over
you.


sober
i am conducting
an experiment
in will power and
sobriety
just because i can.
that and
to give myself
a break
after all this time
of imbibing.

truthteller
it is always
much easier
to tell the truth
with no one around
than with you
looking me
in the eyes.



it is commonly said and believed that people write about what they know.
isn't that ever the truth.