remember

I do not remember being born
I do not remember my first birthday
or even my fifth
I do not remember the first time
I began to realize that a world existed
beyond the doors of our home
I do not remember the name of the teacher
who made sure I learned to read
I do not remember the first time I fell
when learning to ride my first bike
I do not remember when I began
to live more and more in my head
I do not remember many many things
but I hope they are tucked away
into the corners of my mind
in some dust covered box
waiting to be found.

I remember trips to the library with my dad
I remember cutting my finger horribly
in the kitchen
and blood pouring out of me
like some pint-sized soldier
I remember falling off my parents bed
and splitting my eyebrow
I remember bringing home my dog Rocky
as a puppy and how much i loved him
in the way that only a child can love
I remember my mother taking care of me
when i had the chicken pox
I remember losing a baby tooth in mexico
I remember how tall and ancient
my father's parents seemed
I remember the first girl I thought I loved
not feeling the same
I remember how disappointed I felt
when I had to start wearing glasses
I remember feeling so awkward
for so so long
I still feel that
I remember thinking my parents
didn't love me
I remember the only time I saw my father cry
and how completely helpless I felt
I remember Rocky dying
and thinking my chest was caving in
because I was hollow after all


I don't wonder about the women
who broke my heart
or the ones whose heart I broke
I don't think it makes me callous
I doubt they ever think of me


So many nights
I've tried to forget
the small tragedies
the perceived unfairness
nights spent alone
wondering if I was ok
if I could get through
the next day
just that would be enough
and every time
I did

I remember all the times I've blamed bad timing
for the shortcomings in my life
I remember when I had to stop blaming
every one
I remember looking at myself naked
in the mirror
and knowing I was the only one
in the world responsible for me