Showing posts with label drinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drinking. Show all posts

Saturday, February 12, 2022

The Writer of Average Skill and Intelligence

My drinking was the least interesting part of me.
It consumed me for far longer than I would have liked.
How many people believe the cowardly myth
of the great genius alcoholic writer alone with a bottle, 
their troubles, and a writing tool of choice, on those
long and lonely nights of drinking towards ecstasy?
The only creation was a dark void I kept feeding.
What was the point of those years? What did I learn?
I never want to be a great genius alcoholic writer.
It was killing me. I was never a genius to begin with
and I am certainly not one now.

Friday, June 21, 2019

First Day of Summer

A beer and a whiskey
followed by a bummed cigarette
Slow pulls off all of them
Voices from the television
as the game goes into the last inning
and the batter is at a full count
Hoping the other team
won't make it's comeback complete
Ball connects to bat
and is driven deep to right field
A glove catches it
and the game is over
Dave and Moni are dating now
Couldn't be happier for them
Another beer
Another whiskey
My life coming back to me
Memories flooding
overwhelming me
I put out the cigarette
in an empty cup
A new cold bottle
reaches my lips
Old familiar places
I've been trying to leave
Here I am again
Keeping the world at bay
Trying to keep going
long enough to change things
waiting for sunrise
on the first day of summer

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Stop Running, Start Changing

What am I running from
What am I afraid of
Why do I drink so much
Why do I constantly worry
Why do I do this to my body
Easy and temporary answers
to real and deep rooted
problems are foolish
and short sighted
They show an inability
to reign in the worst
of my human tendencies
There is so much to be afraid of
My mortality
My finances
My health
My future
Why not take charge
of these things
Why not take the reigns
of what no one else
can or should lead?
A healthy body
A healthy spirit
can be found in action
and moderation
If you are healthy
in body and spirit
you can do more
to help others
Fear can be overcome
Fear is a temporary state
Resolve to be less fearful
Resolve to be what
you have always seen
yourself to be

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Habits of

Habits of comfort,
compulsion and fear
weigh you to the ground
Yet you embrace them further
as you hope to move forward
How can you walk
with your feet
stuck to the ground
you wish to leave
Invisible switches
flipping in unseen spaces
Understanding
taking the place of
what hinders us

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Imperfect Student

I am learning still
and in my learning
I fail and forget lessons
that I have been taught
I must always reach
for humility and under
standing at these times
I acknowledge my
failures so that I may
grow and move
past them
I am growing
I am learning
I am imperfect
I am learning
I am becoming
whole piece by
piece day by day

Friday, December 22, 2017

Beautiful Gina

You're about to leave the bar
when she sidles up next to you
in the empty stool
She looks at you
She's beautiful
As beautiful as every time
you've seen her
Her eyes brim with wet sadness
She pulls you close
She doesn't ask your name
because she knows your name
because you've seen each other here
before on late nights after many drinks
She tells you that there are choices
she has to make
She pulls you close
all of a sudden
Her lips touch yours
You are kissing
You feel her sadness
That need
as simple as it is
to be comforted
in time of conflict
and confusion
You let her kiss you
a second time
You look into her beautiful
brown eyes brimming
with the burden of choice
You tell her you have to leave
She kisses you again
You let it happen
The night is over for you
Yet her night will grow
and change and shift
as dawn beckons
and words will
be exchanged
and choices
will be
made

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Empties

Empty liquor bottles gather dust
sitting on the floor.
Soldiers without purpose
Life's blood drained and gone
So why do they remain
A silent testament
to night's of half-bred thoughts
and delusions
to cauterize the weight
of each day that had passed
Buried above ground
until they are tossed into
a heap and their bodies
shatter into shards

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Reality Not Myth

You wake up sober
because you haven't been drinking
and you begin to feel bad
for all the writers and artists
over time immemorial
who have fallen to the false
promise of drink
and built their myths
on the power
of this escapism
Fuck forever
Fuck immortality
Give me a good nights sleep
and feeling alive
at the hour of my waking
each day

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Drinking? Why?

Foolish capacity for perpetuating bad habits

I woke up in much the same way I do most mornings.
Is this right? Is this boring? Am I sick of feeling this
way? I am no fool, though, I do foolish things. Absent
the love I seek I fill myself with foolish waters to live
my days and nights. I am better than this. Too often I
have felt need for it when it was unnecessary. There is
a cycle of depression, drinking, and dependency I have
let take too large a grasp on me. They feed off of each
other and keep me in this locked cycle as long as I
choose to keep perpetuating it. It is easy to tell myself
to stop these bad habits, it's only words, it is so much
more difficult to wean the body and mind of the
foolish comforts we have grown accustomed to.
To change this habit of drinking is to begin to change
the other habits and insecurities that plague my life.
Each action, each decision is one tied to another.
No action exists in a vacuum. All my choices live
with one another. How to be the better person in
mind, body, and spirit, that I have always seen my
self to be? By choices made once and followed
upon in order to create new patterns of choice and
health. I have noticed my habit has moved into the
realm where the pleasure of it feels dwarfed by my
need to maintain it. It is growing boring but I have
continued to perpetuate it to my own detriment.
Change the choices you make, change your life.
You are afraid. Deep inside it worries you. Remind
yourself of the strength of which you are capable of.
Try to always live and act as honestly to yourself as
you are capable of.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Bored of Drink

I feel as though I have grown bored of drinking.
There. I have said it. So what? What does that
mean to me now that it has been said? I think
that I must chart a course now without it this
regular crutch of mine. It still feels good and
pleasurable but it just doesn't feel the same.
I drink, I get drunk, I eat too much bad food
late at night. The pattern is the same and it
feels far too predictable to me. It has no more
surprises for me and that is fine. I suppose I'll
start by not drinking today or most of this week.
I might drink on Sunday but even that is a maybe
at the moment. I honestly prefer waking up with
out feeling like my body is recovering for some
sort of bender. My weight and appetite will be
much easier to manage without this constant
influx of drink. It'll also clear my head and focus
my thoughts as I prepare to return to the ashram
once more. I have to remember the promise I
made to my grandmother and myself for the
next time I return to Mexico. It'll help me get
closer to the goal and ideal. Abstaining from
alcohol won't solve all my problems but it'll
help me gain a specific clarity which will be
of great help. Change can be as simple as one
just saying no and making small steps one day
at a time. The path can be difficult but it can
be traversed. I say this to myself to remember
as I walk forward and try to build something
better for myself once more.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

An Honest Man

I must be honest and humble before myself
and this creation to admit I must stop and
let myself live with vice and excess tempered
I wish to lead a life of contemplation and
open thought but I cannot do so when I
purposely cloud my mind and judgement
I am human I am fallible I am weak I am
searching for the strength of will I feel I am
lacking right now I am not who I wish to be
Yet I know that self is within It is possible
to be what I know I can I must cease this
pattern which recurs I cannot run away from
myself This truth will follow I must gaze
into the mirror and accept the present in order
to create the future This body This spirit
are yearning for more Give more Be the
source of light you have been meant to be
all this time This self acceptance will be
difficult Follow through How many times
How many mornings have similar thoughts
come through you What has been learned
Break the wheel of habit but learn to lean
on and ask for help Let light be your guide



Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Self Motivation for Today

Don't rush it. Start off slow. What do you mean?
What are you talking about? I'm talking about
slowing down your vices. Why? Because it'll be
good for you. Really? Yes. Why are you even
questioning that? I suppose I've grown comfortable
with my vices. They're an easy way to cope with
life. Do you really want the easy way with that
though? Is that going to make you happy and
fulfilled in the long run? Maybe but when you
put it that way probably not. I enjoy my drinking
and the way I feel but I know it's been a bit much
lately. At least you can admit that to yourself. Yeah
but I suppose that's the point where I should pump
the brakes. How about this...what if you just not
do it today? Pretty easy, right? I guess it is. Then
just try that. Try it for yourself. You have nothing
to lose and if it goes fine then you can try that again
the next day. You have to see yourself in relation
to the larger shifts in this life. What will yield the
best and greatest results? You have been thinking
incessantly recently and this would fit well into
all of that. Just try it. You've done it before and
can do it again. You are of that strength and will
power. I suppose I am. There is nothing wrong
with exerting that level of control again. Why
would there be? Give yourself credit for your
self-awareness but follow through. Start out today
with this thought: what kind of life do you wish
to lead? Answer that honestly and try to live in
accordance with that. You are your own reward.
I believe in you. I am you. We can do this.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Not Enough

She stumbles in through the front door
and sits at the stool next to me
I take a pull off my bottle sitting next to
my whiskey on the rocks.
She looks at me and looks to her left,
her body lurching like someone
whose blood has grown too dizzy.
Her and the bartender make eye contact.
She tries to order a drink. The bartender
isn't having it. She's cut off before a first
order. "I'll serve you but I'll only serve
you water. You're already too drunk."
I take a small sip of whiskey.
She's mad. She's belligerent. She's the
kind of drunk where memory has ceased
to function, where reason has been
overwhelmed and surrendered
to an invading force. The replay
of the days games are playing
on the TV's around the bar. Rap music
is playing on the jukebox. Voices
and cigarette smoke blend together
effortlessly. She wants her drink.
She wants her drink now. She looks
at the bartender and says
"Is it my hairy cunt?"
For a moment the bartender says
nothing. "No, it's because you're
drunk." She walks away to take
care of an order on the opposite
end of the bar.
My drinks are sweating.
I listen to the sounds blend together
so seamlessly that soon enough
I hear nothing at all.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Gina

She's beautiful and a little bit crazy
But you'd be a fool to say
I'm not crazy too
She looks you in the eyes
You could say it's love
Or the drinks in her blood
She places your arm
around her waist
Let it rest there against her
A little bit sad
A little bit lonely
Together here for now
And when you kiss her
You know this isn't forever
And when she's ready
to go home
You look her in the eyes
and feel that sadness
once again
Don't let her go
but you will
She kisses you again
and you let
each other
go

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

6 A.M.

The night shift has ended as they walk inside
and find their stools at the bar. Cory sits down
first and puts his wallet on the counter. Veronica
walks over and puts down a coaster and a beer.
Tim and Edgar sit at the end of bar and are talking
while Veronica gets their drinks. It's a normal
morning. They all work at the airport and the bar
is only a few minutes away. She turned the TV's
on to the morning news programs. Tragedy over
in some part of the world, shooting in some state,
the President saying this and that, the usual hum
of day to day history that becomes the background
noise in places like this. In here the news only
serves as fodder for conversation and debate,
everyone here is insulated from the damage of
reality, one drink at a time. When Veronica
turns around Cory's eyes linger on her ass and
legs. He hasn't had much luck with women since
his divorce. Veronica knows he looks when she
turns her back to him, she's heard his story.
She can feel the lingering touch of loneliness in
his voice. Veronica would never date any of
her regulars. There was one she had considered
briefly some time ago but he had stopped coming
in. Cory likes to get buzzed in the morning because
it'll help him get to bed so he can sleep during the
day and be ready for the next overnight. "Good
morning, John" says Veronica to the older man
in the tan members only jacket. John lives a few
houses down and has been retired for years. He
lives alone and likes the company of the folks
at the bar. Ask any of the morning patrons and
everyone speaks only good of John. He was a
veteran of some war he prefers not to talk about.
Not because of what he saw, he saw things
that he would prefer he hadn't, but because he
was taught to be a man and just get on with his
life. It was a tough habit to break at his age.
John set down a twenty on the counter and smiled
at Veronica as he said "Good morning." He always
meant it, too. Veronica placed a glass full of ice
in front of him and began to pour a light beer
into it for him. He nodded and said "Thank You"
Cory looked over at John and said "Good morning,
Sir." John looked at him and nodded. For a time
no one spoke. That was fine with everyone.
The drinks gradually drained away into their bodies
as the specter of day loomed just outside the walls.
Veronica wondered how quickly the day would go
by. Would it drag on endlessly or would it pass by
as quick as the cars rushing into work? She had her
people to tend to and she would know soon enough.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

A Certain Kind of Writer

Please don't become one of those shitty alcoholic writers
Writing about their shitty drunk lives

Please don't spend the night getting loaded
Trying to find the divine where there is no light

What a horrible hypocrite I am
Who am I to tell you anything

As I sit here pouring rum into a glass
Trying to make sense of anything at all

The cola makes it easier to drink as the night
Goes on and on until blackness

Overcomes and we wait for the dawn
Even if we forgot about it


Sunday, June 5, 2016

Scattered Thoughts All Gathered Together (evening - 6/4/16)

Interpretations of Reality

Create the world you wish through selective perception

Change and Realignment

Consciousness moving through an eternal present of possibility

Beauty as a sign of temporary attraction

What is everlasting?

The Business of Life & Loss

How to Move On Without Ever Letting Go

How quickly we move from disappointment to acceptance.

These late nights move through us
as we move through them

Memories of distant possibilities are nothing more
than snow melting in the noon time sun.

Better to let some memories gather dust.

we were done and
that was it
and that was that

My back is nothing more than
bone and flesh
and can be broken
far more easily
than I care to admit

What is fit to be buried and what
is fit to be kept?

Desire and Reason rarely have anything in common.

I need some silence to balance out all the noise in my life.

No reason to be awake
yet you cannot fall asleep
so you stay up until
the night takes you

One must look past mere physical beauty to find substance

Enraptured by her beauty
I became a slave to an ideal
that no one else could
ever hope to match

Can we ever find the beach that has no end?

When all you want to do is talk
and the night is late
and the glass is empty
but everyone else is gone
or asleep
so you sit alone
and hope the words
will find you

I would have loved you if
you ever gave me the chance

Only the dead are free.

Like the silence that stretches across the desert at midnight.

The restlessness of the soul.

Let the page feed your spirit.

We let each other go as gently
as a breathe being exhaled.

Broken Teeth and Bloody Tongues

The Overlap of Dreams

Sueno pero recuerdo
lo que tuve recordar

Shadows that exist only at night.

There was never anything to hold onto
but we clung to another
as though nothing could tear us apart

My broken bones
cannot be reset
I grow together
fractured and imperfect

The illusion of choice
The choice of illusion

These lonely nights of worry
Where are you right now
Don't worry
I'm just here trying to breathe

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Brotherhood of the Black Moon

He cruised north on Vista Del Mar with the Pacific
flanking his left side. Wind tousled his hair. The music
was off. All he could hear was the waves on the beach
and the tires over the asphalt.

As he neared his destination an airplane flew overhead
from the nearby airport. Briefly, he looked over and saw
its form buried in the dark skies. He slowed and pulled
over as he came to a stop.

In rapid succession, the headlights and engine were killed.
A car sped past. He could feel it's velocity through the
sudden shudder of the car. The lights of oncoming traffic
blinked into the darkness and barreled close and away.

There was no reason for him to be there this late. He didn't
want to be home. There was nothing in his room and at
least here he could listen to the waves and let his mind
forget about itself for a few moments.

His phone buzzed and the screen lit up. It was a text.
"At the Black Moon having a drink. Drop by."
He wrote, "Sure. Be there in 15." He turned the key
in the ignition only enough to turn on the stereo.

A loud cymbal crash followed by rumbling toms
and the clattering of percussion beating through the
speakers. From the first note he knew it was "A Night In
Tunisia" by Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers.

He turned the key and the engine awoke. There were
no cars in either direction. A quick u-turn over the
solid double yellow lines and he was headed south
towards the Black Moon.

He needed the company. He needed the drink.
What a day. What a week. Wayne Shorter's sax
cut through the wind as the two sounds intermingled
to create a new voice.

What kind of night would it become? It didn't matter.
How could it? Eventually he lost track of the waves,
the road, as though nothing but he and that song existed.
His company was anticipated. He hurtled forward

until the mild suburban facade of the area showed
it's face again, and when it did, how he longed to rip
the skin from it. At last, the Black Moon came into
view. There was nothing to be won or lost.



Wednesday, June 1, 2016

I'm at the bar or liquor store
about as often as I work.
This is not a coincidence.

Friday, May 6, 2016

Beyond Reason & Sense

A bottle of Gin isn't always the answer
but it is just enough to calm
the doubts and insecurity
of a day gone on too long.

Begin at the beach. Imagine
praying to the waves. Can the Ocean
hear your prayers or are you lost
in the steady static of it's voice?

My blood is warm and my thoughts
have filled with hydrogen. Await
a spark to set the blaze to the beach.

Flames dance in the evening air
as we descend to a world beyond
reason and sense.