grief

when we speak of loss
what is it we are actually speaking of
the dead can no longer be bothered
by our grief or indifference
once they have joined
the endless stream of matter
when we speak of loss
we speak of our grief
and the lack of what once was
we speak of the desire
to live in the memory of life
our grief is a duality
of acceptance and longing
for what can no longer be
grief will come again
and it will be so in our lives
until we ourselves
are the subject of another's grief

Everyone is Broken and Suffering.

Will i just be a footnote in the tragedy of your life?

movement

moving slowly
as if trapped in honey
rhythm seeps into
bone and flesh
soon enough
you don't resist
and move and
move and move
to the universe
finding itself
within you

Don't Believe It

I told her I don't believe in love
She loved me anyway
Just to prove a point
And I'm just a fool
To hold on to my beliefs
And not know when
I've been proven wrong
I told her I loved her
And she said I don't believe you
I said it doesn't matter
I don't believe in love anyway
We agreed and loved
 Each other anyway

Convergence

Heat of summer nights

Daylight trapped within walls

All plans laid undone

Dark waves rolling in 

Still shores at rest

Breathing quietly

Where does the darkness

of sky and ocean converge

Unified into a point

far beyond the horizon

Looking and looking

Finding no answer

Those Who Watch

The angels are watching and listening
You don't think
You don't worry about
much because of this
You wonder what they think
as they look upon us
and see what we do
and how we treat one another
Do they judge us harshly
for our inhumanity
to one another
or do they leave
the judging
to another divine being
They do not speak to us
but they are watching
or so some would
have us believe
I'll not worry
about any of this
I have a life to lead
and so does
everyone

Reality Not Myth

You wake up sober
because you haven't been drinking
and you begin to feel bad
for all the writers and artists
over time immemorial
who have fallen to the false
promise of drink
and built their myths
on the power
of this escapism
Fuck forever
Fuck immortality
Give me a good nights sleep
and feeling alive
at the hour of my waking
each day

morning 9/12/17

Children of the summer

returning back to school

mothers happy and anxious

children curious and unsure

What happened to the life I had seen

or was promised

How much must we make 

to live and survive

The years are aging me and

I don't know how many are left

I try to be the good man

as often as I can

Time is passing

and leaving me behind

This life will not

look back if we are left 

in the rearview mirror

Every So Often

Every morning
I ask myself if
I am a reincarnation
of a past self
come once more
into this living world
This opportunity
to exist
comes only so often
Who could turn
this chance at
life and beauty

Bear & Wolf

The Bear & The Wolf

I don't need feathers to fly
or wings to flap

Modern Boredom
numbing me asleep

Lover whom I will never forget

Conscious thoughts given birth through
nailed digits This life of growth and decay
Your childhood left you stranded in this
strange place where all sights are familiar
and unrecognizable The path is revealed
and concealed at every step Let the mind
unfurl itself through an unclouded body

elemental cosciousness

unsteady weariness from within
and without
i live yet i rot
returning to essential elements
no need to be buried
i'll turn to dust
     scatter in the wind
consciousness expands
                       as I
join / dissolve
into everything
I had hoped
to be

Morning 9/9/17

With each sunrise I must remember my personal
capacity to change. It becomes hard for me to
remember this sometimes after ages of living in
a fairly set routine.

Could I have ever given you the life you deserved?

Exert the control and willpower you have proven
yourself capable of through the years.

Remembering love that once blossomed.

What is broken can still be
                         healed
                                    forgiven

Finding the light of a spiritual practice.
Defining that which gives me hope and
allows me to aspire to a greater manner
of existing.

Drinking? Why?

Foolish capacity for perpetuating bad habits

I woke up in much the same way I do most mornings.
Is this right? Is this boring? Am I sick of feeling this
way? I am no fool, though, I do foolish things. Absent
the love I seek I fill myself with foolish waters to live
my days and nights. I am better than this. Too often I
have felt need for it when it was unnecessary. There is
a cycle of depression, drinking, and dependency I have
let take too large a grasp on me. They feed off of each
other and keep me in this locked cycle as long as I
choose to keep perpetuating it. It is easy to tell myself
to stop these bad habits, it's only words, it is so much
more difficult to wean the body and mind of the
foolish comforts we have grown accustomed to.
To change this habit of drinking is to begin to change
the other habits and insecurities that plague my life.
Each action, each decision is one tied to another.
No action exists in a vacuum. All my choices live
with one another. How to be the better person in
mind, body, and spirit, that I have always seen my
self to be? By choices made once and followed
upon in order to create new patterns of choice and
health. I have noticed my habit has moved into the
realm where the pleasure of it feels dwarfed by my
need to maintain it. It is growing boring but I have
continued to perpetuate it to my own detriment.
Change the choices you make, change your life.
You are afraid. Deep inside it worries you. Remind
yourself of the strength of which you are capable of.
Try to always live and act as honestly to yourself as
you are capable of.

states

Time is
Time was
Time present
Time past
Time future
Too much or
Not enough
Never enough
Present now
Uncertain future
Present now
Here and
Now and
Here and

Morning 9/7/17

Does morning rise within you?

Morning 9/6/17

What Thoughts Are Possible
When One Truly Opens The Mind?

The door swings open but I am unsure
if I am ready to walk through.

Morning 9/5/17

When I began to float away I felt fine.
I became used to it fairly quickly.
And so I existed floating through this
world and watching it from above.
As time went on I began to miss being
on the ground. I missed walking and
running and the simple things of our
lives. I began to search for gravity
but it was not as easy as one would
hope.

Suffer the disease
Heal yourself
You have always
had the cure

it is far too easy to maintain
a life just comfortable enough
to survive but not enough to
grow and blossom fully

Grief will haunt you as long as necessary.

I needed that conversation.
I need you to talk to about life
and the last week or so.
Did I need as many drinks,
probably not.

Only I can create the change within myself
that I truly desire. No one can give it to me.

Phantom heart.

This world is our mirror.

This world is flame and ash.
New soil will grow new life.
Everything burns until
the flame is spent.

NOW is both declarative and imperative.

Mourning After.

The desire to close all windows and doors
to the outside world and only come out once
the tempest has passed.

Many Lives Remembered

I remember all my past lives when I wish
though I do not wish it often. Echoes of
previous lives dot my days, a familiar
smell, a particular flower coming into
view, that sometimes I find it hardly
believable that I am able to accomplish
anything. Births, deaths, all come in and
out of view along with faded heartache
that is dull to the touch. Born again for
how many times now? I have forgotten
how many times I have come and gone
but I will continue on until at last I have
been unchained from the wheel of life.
What comes then? Freedom? Wisdom?
Enlightenment? Omniscience? I suppose
it doesn't really matter. To move beyond
and into that which is unknowable.

The Final Dream

Everything was on fire and the mountains were
shrouded by clouds of ash. People could not stand
the heat but had nowhere to go. People sweated
through their clothes and even the waters at the
beaches provided no relief. The sky was ashen
gray and the sun struggled to pierce the veil.
Daylight began to mimic night and people and
animals began to sleep fitfully. Time seemed as
though it was beginning to unspool but where
was it unspooling from? Minutes and hours
began to feel indistinct from one another. So
it seemed that everything was feeling apart.
Nothing could hold. The heat began to drive
people mad but everyone understood why.
Violence and crime began to infect every
where all at once as if it were a virus. Blood
shed on the streets and in homes. No place
was immune from this furious season. Yet
the tides at the beaches continues to come in
and out. The moon would occasionally peer
through from the sky and grow horrified at
what she could see. The sun grew indifferent
at what it had to witness. Some said it was
the end of times, that Jesus was about to
return but He never did. God gave no
booming proclamation from heaven to His
children. In fact, some people said He had
forgotten us, that was why everything was
happening, to punish us for our sins. It did
not stop the sinning. The people howled for
relief, for salvation, but none would ever
come. Weeks and months went by in this
fashion until at last years began to pass.
Our population thinned but the madness
and violence only continued. The gray days
taunted us with the possibility of pure
sunlight but it never came. What few
children were born into this time, many
were sickly and died. Few lived but those
that did were hardened in a way their
parents could never be. I began to wonder
if things would ever change, if we would
ever return to the life we all led before.
I realized I was a fool for thinking we
could ever return to such a state. And if we
ever did it would be many lifetimes removed
from my own. I survived, we survived
as best we could, as long as we could.
And when the day came I could no longer
bear the weight of being I found the standing
body of a dead tree, it's branches stripped
of leaves, sat down on the ground, leaned
my back into its trunk and closed my eyes.
I began to dream until I dreamt no more.

Bethany

Bethany was awake
She listened to the church bells
toll through the calm morning
How many times in her life
had she heard that sound
How much longer would
she hear them
She tried to not think
of the answer
She thought of all
the little things she had
to do today
and understood that
life is really nothing but
little things punctuated on
occasion but larger events
that were the exceptions and
not the rule
She looked at the clock on her
nightstand and thought it odd
when she looked at it's face
Turns out it just needed
to be wound up again
Time didn't matter
The hour didn't matter
Only her own actions mattered
In this long and vast life
those moments of small joys
were what mattered
She thought this and
was pleased with herself
She looked at her clock
and even though
the time was wrong
she pulled the sheets up
over her body
and let her eyes close

What is remembered

always lives on

Innerwaves

Waves are cycling back and forth
on the shores of my mind
Thoughts crash on the sand
and recede back into the ocean
only to return again in new forms
How long can these thoughts last
Can it be that it could last a lifetime
I close my eyes and listen
Waves coming in and out
from a hidden beach

Jewel

My broken heart still beats
because it must
It has survived before
and it will survive again
I cannot forget
I will not forget
how this crack came to be
It is now an eternal part of me
To honor a life and memory
It will endure
in the sanctuary of my heart

Summer Has Yet to Fade

The fan has been whirring all night
All we can talk about is the heat
Windows wide open
Fan oscillating back and forth
Summer heat has yet to yield
to cooler days of approaching autumn
You drink and you drink
and it doesn't matter what you drink
your body continues to sweat and thirst
Some miles away a fire consumes
swaths of land as if collecting
on a debt that had yet to be paid
Some will ask
Why me
Why us
The better thing to wonder is
Why us
Why not
Dawn has broken
and the relentless sun
is readying itself
once more

Thoughts After Broken-Hearted Days

Summer will not surrender
these dying days
to Fall without a fight.

Words are not enough
Tears are not enough
to express my grief
I feel the absence
of a former presence
hover around me
This is the natural order
of life-
aging and dying
holding on as long
as we can

I don't need to know the contents
of every heart in the world
just my own.

To heal a broken heart.

Where will this journey take us?
Where has it taken us already?
So many miles and with
how much time to go?

I am sad and will probably be feeling this way for a while.
That's ok. I'd rather the pain of the loss linger. An unseen
reminder of what a life meant to me.

A Summer Farewell

Sweat and tears
on a sweltering summer
afternoon
Last gasps of a season
I couldn't help the tears
or the sweat
Saying goodbye
You're never ready
even when you
think you are
I gazed upon
your face one last time
and watched you
as they lowered
the casket into
the ground
I watched them shovel
dirt until at last
the hole was filled
and the sodden grass
placed on top
In my dreams
we'll meet again
perhaps
if the gods are kind
I'll see you
at the end of
my days

The Beating Heart of the Sunrise

Summer Sleep

Warm summer nights
Sleeping next to an open window
How easy it is
to fall asleep in this comfort
Floating between worlds
Eyes moving behind eyelids
Seeing everything and forgetting
Seeing everything and remembering

Lifetime Summation

Define a lifetime

Words
Actions
Experience

What do we leave
What do we take

Impressions
Memory

What is beyond

Everything else

Fearful

You who wish to be free of pain
You who hide from the heat of day
You who wish to be in comfort
Hiding away
Hoping the world will pass
and these discomforts
will not reach you
How foolish those hopes are
Life moves forward from you
Your muscles will atrophy
Your heart will grow fearful
if you continue this way
You will die a death
before your heart gives
and all thought and memory
leaves your mind
Live now
Suffer through discomfort
Find truth within
Do not let this pass by

Running Late

There wasn't enough time. There was never enough time.
He had to go back to the house and he was running late
already as it was. Each time he stopped at a light or stop
sign he could feel his body becoming tense and anxious.
He pulled into his driveway and got into the house as
quickly as he could. It was right there on the nightstand
next to his bed. He grabbed it and let the house door
slam shut behind him as he turned on the ignition and
backed out of the driveway. He felt mildly better once
he was back on the road but knew he would be late.
Everyone would be waiting. He ignored the buzz and
vibrations of his phone and stayed as focused as he
could. He put on some music to try and take his mind
off things but it was no use. He turned it off and let
himself drive in the silence of an open driver's side
window as wind blew past. At last, he arrived. Yes,
everyone was waiting. He straightened his suit up
and ran his hands through his unruly hair. Ben saw
him as he walked through the garden entrance. "Do
you have it?" He pulled it out of his pocket and showed
it to Ben. They walked in together and were ready.

Home

Finding a place
to call home
to rest
to sleep
to love
is all any
of us
ever really
need

Present

Waiting
Breathing
Listening
Thinking
Relearning
patience
Breathing
Quieting
oneself
Present
Present
Now

Morning 8/18/17

to wake once more
and again
this morning
showing it's face
and I will show it mine

I am still listening
Morning voices
calling out

Days turning on an axis
Listening
to your beating heart
my ear against
your chest
Life and only life
and nothing but life
This moment
Every moment
Heartbeat
beating through
keeping hope
alive
keeping us
alive

Morning 8/17/17

the voice of
Creation
or do you call it
the voice of
God
or is it all the same
by any other name

A Wind Scattered World

Call it peace and meditation
to step away from this world

stillness

calm the mind
calm the body
breath in
breath out
inhale deeply
exhale fully
inhale deeply
exhale fully
here
now
here
now
a mirror looking inward
a mirror gazing back

hearing your sweet laugh
may your childhood be blessed
petals touched by light

Birth

A child being born
A woman screaming
Not merely woman
but Mother as well
Blood and pain
Life emerging
through this
Always like this

After the Fire

As the forests burn to ash and
the creatures flee from
the approaching flames
I watch from a distance as smoke
and death fill the air
A terrible beauty to see
destruction take hold
and life extinguished
When all is reduced to smoldering
dirt and cinders
what new life will take hold
from this pyre

The thin line between here and forever

We were expecting him to die
We knew the diagnosis was terminal
It happened last night at his home
with his family by his side
Loss and grief
even if it was expected
I think of the times
when I was younger
and called him Uncle
when I would see him at
parties or visit him
my aunt and cousins
at their home
My niece called me Tio today
Someday she'll receive news
of my passing
What memories
will she have of me
What memories
will I still have
in the waning hours
of fading light

Morning 8/15/17

I wake and find a way to center
the rush of morning thoughts
as my body seeks to return to
this living world.

I hear the voices singing in unison
As the steady rhythm moves in time

Old man
you've been a dead man
for some years
yet I hear you
speaking to me still
Your voice springs from
the page
and fills my mind
with your life


To focus my mind early
on thoughts of gratitude
To give myself the thought
that for all the shortcomings
of this world it owes me
nothing and I have been
a most fortunate son

Give yourself the gift of change
Allow yourself to overcome your fears

Morning 8/13/17

Here in this stillness I am listening for the sound
that will ground me in peace and prosperity
The sound I seek rests within
It has always been within
I close my eyes and open my mouth
and let it come forth

Slowly opening my eyes
The searching
The searching
of this life

The Consciousness of Matter

break direction

The things you break
could end up breaking you
Watch it with your hands
Watch where you're going
It won't get any easier
Watch where you're going
It won't get any easier

Don't worry but you worry
All the time
Don't worry but you worry
All the time

Close your eyes
Take some bumps
Directions around us
In every place we go
Don't worry
Don't worry
About direction
It is always here

Morning 8/12/17

How long have I known the answers to some
of my problems? Long enough to internalize
them and see them for what they are. Choices
to be made steadily and consistently. The time
is close at hand. I can feel it within me. To see
the path and place my feet upon it.

Caught between lives.

What does your spirit yearn for?
Can you hear it well enough to listen?
If you can hear it, are you able to
give it what it needs?

To foster growth and create balance.
Simple enough to write
much harder to execute.

The most honest self.

Are you seeking out true spirituality and enlightenment
or a mere facsimile of them?
Do you have the wisdom to know the difference
between the two?
This I must ask myself and have answers to.

If enough of us were to speak at once
our voices would cease to be individual tones
and become one concentrated force.

I am looking I am seeking and I feel the force of life
growing within. I struggle with my faults and vices
and grow frustrated at myself but I know I have the
strength and will to change. I need only act with full
intention and commitment to the self I wish to be. I
know how difficult this struggle is and will be. This
is something I must face. These fears and insecurities
will continue unless I confront myself honestly about
myself. To look in the mirror and see my faults and
beauty in equal measure. To see what I have allowed
my body to become but to also see it for what it can
still be. I must feed myself clarity and understanding.
I must purge myself of that which obfuscates my sight
and understanding. This is possible. I will not let this
mirror break. I must cast my gaze into it. I must look
with honesty.

Morning 8/11/17

Memories of what has been
I hold you close through the distance of time
In these spaces we are still happy
and together through days and nights

Heart beat
Heart beat
breathing in
Heart beat
breathing out

There has been a desire within me to close out
the noise and distractions of the world and begin
looking within for answers to the unanswerable
questions of this life. I would be content to live a
quiet life somewhere far from the city but yet I
know myself know that that could not last forever.
I am a part of this world as much as you are. We
must be part of this existence and change it as we
let it change us.

In this place the world begins. Inside the hidden
spaces of yourself are the crevices which bare
the answers.

Where does one find peace and comfort?

Waves of calmness covering you.

Morning 8/10/17

Awaken
What do you need to hear
What do you need to tell yourself
Do the tasks set before you
This life continues
Unrelenting
Continue
Persist through it all
Every choice made


Close your eyes and listen
Feel the force of life
coursing through you

searching for silence
my heart continues to beat
engine of this life

to live with bad habits
to call them vices
to struggle with the self
to desire change
to forge will to change

Morning 8/9/17

The Light Before The Dawn

Shadows Behind Your Eyes

To awaken to darkness and feel the
creeping approach of dawn
I sit patiently
Waiting for light
Waiting for daybreak

watching night become day

falling asleep in darkness
to awaken to it once more
as it begins to fade

I am finding the light
I am letting it in
Through the window
I can feel the cool
night air begin to warm

Subversive Arts

I must continue to seek the path that has been
revealed. The journey is a lifetime and patience
must be learned and relearned. A deeper place
of connection can be achieved. It is there if one
is willing to take a leap of faith to it.

eternity

This life
This beach
never ending
or so it would
seem
Standing here
watching
waves roll in
as though
they have
always existed

The Answer

Six days of clarity
To purify body and mind
Finding myself crossing
An hours worth of distance
Leaving myself at the door
Taking my place within
The stillness of the mandir
Sound and rhythm
Heaven manifest
Inside this place
Peace
Stillness
Time bent
And remade into
Something different
Something new
Finding myself
There once more
As soon as I can
Finding myself
One day
At a time