Make A Choice (freewrite 3/27/18)

Burning bright the lights are on the sun is out and I am here
waiting for the tide to come in waiting for the water to touch
my feet the cold shock of ocean standing on the sandy shore
this is the place we once stood where we once kissed but who
were we then and who are we now my hands moved on your
body and slipped under your dress that time is so long ago now
that we were different people and when I think of us it feels
as though our former selves are trapped in amber is that the
fate of all things honey fossilized yet so beautiful to behold
I miss the things I have never had yet they are not mine to
miss I must let go of everything this attachment can only
bring grief the longer I hold on this is our constant condition
to hold on and to suffer from fear and this fear must become
something else and it often does I do not want this I want
to leave my imperfections behind I want to be the better man
I have always believed myself to be but I have let bad habits
rule my mind and body the reckoning that must happen is
with myself as judge and jury I know I know the answer
is my will strong enough am I able to change and follow
through I gain nothing by pursuing this path except to wear
it further into the ground I must I must take the leap of faith
with myself I have known this and now I say this to me and
only me the water is flowing from the tap but it still drips
drops even after it has been turned off the accumulation
and the falling into the white porcelain sink there is love
I wish to have for myself yet I do not dare allow it in or
will I change my mind my body has one answer and my
heart has another I vacillate between the two and wonder
what I will actually do to do one is to tear up so many plants
from the soil needlessly if I were to do this I would have to
plant a new garden and it would be beautiful though different
from what came before I think about these things I think
about everything and this is my life this is my thoughts
spiraling from my fingers and staring back at me my mind
laid out in front of my eyes and asking me to confront
myself to make sense of this all and to make a choice