Ordinariness

 The more I search for work the more I realize I do not wish to place myself

into the position so many of us are forced to. Trading our lives for comfort 

and survival in a system that makes us handily expendable. Salvation does 

not come from an external force, it must be one created and willed. 

The crisis I have felt within myself has been that of a search for purpose. I have

defined that purpose by wanting to do something to create change and good.

I do not know if this will be a means to my own salvation but it is as good of an 

answer as I have ever been able to come up with. The path this places me on will 

be one that will consume my life for the better part of the next few years. I am 38

years old. I will realistically be no younger than 41 in a new profession if things 

all manage to work successfully towards that end. I feel so old and so young. I can

only move forward even as I look back and reflect at the time that has gone behind.

The coffee helps. It is not killing me, unlike old habits I indulged in. 

I watch my nieces grow up and the time is running wild and quick. 

They will remember me in the way I am now. This is the image they will have

of me, much as how I will always remember my parents from my childhood. 

Looking into the fields and seeing the grazing deer, what was that feeling?

The green grapes were fresh and juicy. There was a slight crunch in the coolness

of their taste. Simple pleasures that were once the heigh of decadence and luxury.

Alive but unsettled. Thinking but breathing. Living and sitting still.

Sitting still and moving through existence. Alive but never born.

Emerging into this world.