Ambivalence Strikes Ambition

(I am becoming a wave of )ambitious ambivalence.

Everything matters

then nothing at all.

Fighting the noise inside

has become harder

with the passing years.

Channels have sprung

up to filter it through,

in turn it has become louder,

more insistent.

Ambition

weighs my feet

like concrete slippers

sinking me beneath

the coming waves. 

If I could reach down

and undo them,

then perhaps

one more gulping swallow

of air could expand

these tired lungs.

When The Escape Becomes The Prison

Tolerance

Every drink

Every smoke

Every drug

Every vice

you indulge 

yourself in

demands more

time after time.

What was good

before is no 

longer good

enough.

Why escape?

Why not?

Beneath the gentle

tide lies an ocean

in turmoil.

Every Evening Turns To Mourn

Late Night Mid Morning Aftermath

These dreams 

leave me 

so tired,

might as well

go back

to sleep.

Motion

Constant Rush

If I stop to breath

I might die.

If I stop to think

I might go mad.

If I stop to rest

I may keep moving.

This Is Why I Don't Like To Remember My Dreams

Dream or Nightmare?

A gunshot

to the back

of my head.

Sudden burst of sound

as flesh and bone

are freed from their

corporeal enclosure.

Shock in the final seconds,

a hand reaches to touch

the gaping  hole

once covered by hair, flesh

and bone. 

A slight wind

as fingers touch

the fatal wound.

Contact,

consciousness

thrusts me

into the waking world

once more.

The start of this day.

Trash Bin

The beginning

will always be the end

as you travel 

360

on the circle.

In My Head

Living in such

small confines

can drive you mad.

It's best 

to get out

once in a while,

take in the breeze,

sun and 

undulating waves

Lay, Zee, Sun, Day.

How do you decide to live,

boldly or timidly?

Do we live daringly

or like the fools 

they believe 

we are?

i want to die knowing i have lived

I'll get to it

I have been waiting

for the right time

to go back

to us.

Remembering

our start,

our end.

It was a one sided

love affair.

I left you

that night

after the movies,

you didn't know

until a few days later

with one 

cowardly call.

Mental/Physical

Who Does She hope To Be?

Years become flowing rivers,

leaves, dirt and grass

get carried by the current.

One day 

they'll reach the sea.

You are water,

restless,

in motion. 

___________________

Finding the peace inside.

EVERYTHING IS BEGINNING, 

EVERYTHING IS ENDING.

 following love

 following passion

 will always be

 the hardest

 easiest thing

 you can do.

Inevitable?

Points In The Future

What does one do

when ambition

diverges

along two different paths?

Do you grow more determined

or do you give up?

All I could do

was sit there

in silence

as the glow of 

city lights

followed me home.

Painful Flesh and Needed Money

Right Now

How can one

feel so 

hopeful

& 

hopeless 

at the same time?

After this moment, EVERYTHING

A 1st Grader Twice Over

I can remember a time

in school when

I couldn't read.

Being a small child

having known only 

Spanish

it was all very new.

I ended up having to repeat 

first grade.

Being left behind 

while all my friends

moved on hurt so bad,

all I could do was cry.

It was hard to understand

what this meant at the time.

Being son to a pair

of illegal Mexican immigrants

what could you expect?

Fall came quick

and the cycle began anew.

It was very much the same

at first.

Was I dumb?

Would I ever understand?

Sitting there in my little chair

with either my teacher or her aide

to my right,

reader in hand

things became

crystal clear

in a way that 

changed me 

irrevocably.

It didn't dawn on me then

the true nature

of what had happened,

ever since then

I have never been the same.

This is the proof 

and the THANK YOU

I wish I could have given

at the moment

everything became 

illuminated.

Trying To Reconnect

Me, Tyler and the Trees

Our smiles were contagious,

our laughter sincere.

Eyes so new

everything was beautiful.

Little fingers

could hardly grasp

daddy's hands.

Mommy loved us

like no one else.

Do you remember what

that love felt like?

Our bodies grew bigger,

our eyes opened wider.

Soon we saw

the dirt

clouding everything.

It was all taken from us

in time.

When those little hands

reached up for mine

and that smile spread wide

in the summer dusk

it all became beautiful

again.

So beautiful that

tears ran down my face

as the words

ground to a halt.

Fill In The Blanks

One Side

Slow down,

take a breath.

Are you ok?

If you say so.

You really

shouldn't do this

to yourself.

I know, I know.

There is another way.

_______________

Before this nothing.

After,

everything.

Asshole

miscellaneous thoughts, repetitive and otherwise:

There are times life makes it clear who you are.

Passion consumes me

as it ricochets from

neuron to neuron

and out my mouth.

I forget myself

from time to time

as I let my passion 

consume every fiber 

in my being.

There are no extraordinary lives

merely ordinary lives

living extraordinary 

moments.

Asshole?

I lose myself too often in 

my own passion and thoughts.

I forget too easily

how life has given us all

such variations in temperance.

That which enraptures me

can draw rolled eyes

from even the most loving of friends.

I shouldn't be so broken hearted.

If we were all this way

the beauty to life

would be forever lost.

For my beloved family in Mexico, I miss you.

El pueblo de Tunkas en Yucatan

It was one of those days

where the humid heat hung 

over the entire town.

Beneath the noontime sun

streets lay empty

as bodies swayed in hammocks

and drinks were imbibed

in cantinas.

Slowly

feet began 

walking the dirt roads.

The sun began to 

look away as sister moon

awoke.

The lights in the park

flickered on

in the shadow

of the towns church,

a relic of  Spanish conquerors.

A gentle coolness 

touched skin

as life resumed.

A Constant Quest

Life is good down to the last drop.

We should be so lucky as to find a passion in our lives.

A Heated Pursuit

Life does not happen

seated behind

screen and keys.

It happens in rooms

full of sweating bodies

expelling libations

through pores

on hot skin.

It happens in rooms

where volume does

not ask for an ear 

it demands it.

Drinks poured,

smoke wafting,

voices raised,

sound ringing.

The afterglow

 

spent in the darkness

of the evening illuminated.

As the moon descends

so we too

head to inner space

in an infinite cosmos.

Early Morning from a Late Night

When life becomes the dream.

Grind

A raw pursuit

of physical passion

between 

those seeking 

an affirmation 

of life.

In A Place Whores Did Business

A Romanticized Ideal

You became

the daydream

as i sit beneath

the summer sun.

Your smile could ignite

wildfires

leaving nothing 

unscorched.

Night is never ending.

Why I Am Going To Be Late To Work Today

Oops

sometimes 

you have to remember

to forget.

other times

you just 

forget

to remember.

Morning

First thought of the morning

We are more dangerous

dreaming than awake,

setting precedence

for a present tense

waiting to occur.

Mining The Light & Darkness

For Me

writing is easy

its the living 

that leads to it

that can be hard.

A Portrait Of My Inner Space

I wander restlessly

day and night

in mind and body.

Thoughts sprint

vast fields

of synapses firing

off like cannons 

and rifles

at Gettysburg.

Stillness becomes impatience

as my fingers

rap upon every surface.

Every moment I rest silent

thoughts,

visions,

phrases,

run rampant 

like toddlers 

who have overtaken

a daycare.

Forgive my.....

uhhh,

what were we 

talking about?

Naked In Front Of You

Show me the you 

you hide inside.

I slowly tear off flesh

looking to see

if there is more

to give.

There always is

even when the well

has dried

and the fields lay fallow.

_________________

I am looking for more

than anyone is

offering.

Shards from the end.

Sometimes love is cold,

Sometimes love is empty

but is it really love at all?

(the previous three lines are meant to be sung)

We are all pretty petty people.

A stab inducing kind of rage.

Inner, Stellar, Space.

Where good men have died.

Bombed Squad.

Could it be a passing

fancy to a fleeting figure.

Daydreaming wide awake at night.

floating out

among my thoughts,

vibrations vibrating 

ear drums

to a better nature

of myself.

Moments blur 

indistinctly

into each other

like watercolors

on a palette.

Questions abound

Answers spring forth

but for things not asked. 

(fragments from driving around on 7/13/09)

Killing Fields

An Endless History

Throats choked into silence,

raging rivers of red

spread across parched land,

men like animals prowl

for the young and feeble.

A shinning sun becomes

a cruel joke

lighting up atrocity

into clear view.

Good men do nothing

as the indifferent

read about celebrity gossip.

Cracked cartilage,

broken bones,

empty eyes,

flies buzzing in the heat.

This is an unending legacy

greater than all our technology.

Behinds masks of civility

is the true face of our kind.

The Warmth Of The Morning

On the past.

The glory of the past 

is often a 

romanticized figment

of what can be remembered.

Some moments 

stand the test of age

while others wither

beneath the weight of years.

4 fragments for future use

1)Modern Life Illusion.

2)Modern Commandments.

3)Definition Of Success.

4)Fuck Your Fame.

We Are Undone, We Are Ending

Watching Our Threads Unravel In The Wind

Threads

weaving in 

& out

of lives

ordinary

& extraordinary

compose the cloth.

Time wears them thin,

warmth becomes

a see through memory.

Threads bind,

break & 

disintegrate.

This cloth is unraveling,

this thread

finally 

at an end.

Growing Pains

I have never felt this kind of sadness.

What we were,

what we could have been

is now 

a dead and boring history.

Seeing you last night

left me empty.

You looked as beautiful

as you always have

but I had changed.

It doesn't make this easier.

7 years you said to someone

that we have known each other.

7 years of this.

7 years of the highs and lows

of everything.

Pictures of us together,

the book of Rilke

you gave me

inscribed by your hand

"...to my young poet."

Do you remember us then?

The gap has become a chasm

that broadens with

every passing day.

No words I write

can convey

what this meant,

what is left inside.

The inevitable end

of natural decay.

At Least This

I am alive.

Heart beating,

Lungs breathing,

Fingers flitting over keys

as morning streams through

slatted windows.

The room grows warm

as the sun ascends 

this summer morn.

Internal Editor

How honest must we be?

What would you think of me

if I released every inner thought

to you?

What would I think

if you did the same?

Bite the tongue,

taste the sweetly salty

blood on buds 

more used to 

common tastes.

It is better perhaps

that most of us

have sense enough

to filter

the raging rivers

burbling beneath.

A Vice 

Embracing 

the sweet cough

of transcendence

was all I could think

to do after last night.

I could have done without

but I used that crutch

anyhow.

The witching hours

drifted by as 

my mind and body

did the same.

Bound by Love, Need & Madness

We are together

because we need this

far worse than any of us 

can comprehend.

As a pack

we are dangerous

with our chosen

mode of expression.

Torrents rage at you

in a newfound embrace

of the inner sound 

that ached for too long

in muted form.

We need this salvation.

There is no Christ

to give it to us.

We are the mortal

& fallible gods

that will find salvation

beholden to no one.

We lead these lives

because you never will

and someone should.

Before The Memory Is Lost

For Both Of You

Beauties 

in the throes of

drunken rapture

was the scene

last night.

You looked so radiant,

your youth

exuding through every embrace

and slurred word.

Your kind heart

doesn't mind

these nighttime diversions

from your daily duties.

Wish I could have seen you 

earlier and taken greater

part in celebrating

the joy of our 

fleeting youth.

Primal Primacy

Portrait Of A Scene

Teeth bared,

dripping

saliva,

animals in all

but sophistication.

Throats ready to be ripped

away by this lust.

Primal supremacy

dictates reaction,

intention.

Suppress or Indulge?

Balance always tips

to one side or another

until equilibrium

makes its claim

on so called

civility.

Dedicated To Innocence

Hermanito

You are one of the only people

that gives me hope

for this world.

It is through 

small laughs,

inquisitive looks,

boundless joy

which makes me believe

there is hope

for this world

yet.

Sharing The Great & Small

Better than nothing

The small victories

we savor together

are often the only

things which keep us

going.

If not for them

it might all be

surrendered.

Frustrated Bastard

Fight

The only path

to fulfillment

is the uphill climb.

Anything less

falls short

in a myriad of ways.

Salvation always takes its sweet time.

La Ciudad De Los Angeles

Streets In The City

Lives intersect

like streets in the city.

Lights go green

turn red

with yellow in between.

Roundabouts are rare

though confusing at first,

will lead you to many paths.

Dead ends

are rarely ever

just that.

Stretches of industrial streets

can be so lonely at night,

Afternoon freeways 

crush the soul with the weight

of millions of bodies

attempting to reach 

where all roads end,

Home. 

Our vanity has expanded far beyond mirrors.

Dealing

The Perfect Song For This Moment Alone

If you were here

I would collapse in your arms.

The gentle sound

of your voice

keeping me company

could be enough

to ward off

the darkness. 

You are not as alone

as you imagine.

Could you keep singing

a little longer?

Twilight comes

through the city,

your voice carrying

above the sounds of

a million mourners.

If my heart stops beating...

If My Heart Stops Beating Will You Stop Believing?

On An Island Alone.

You don't have to say hello.

You don't have to say goodbye.

Cockroach

Flat on your back

Legs clasping inward

like praying hands.

The last spasms 

of life

flicker through

then

nothing.

The Width Of A Circle

Look Out

Choices made

will always come back

to you

though

not always

in a way you can

foresee.

A City Stained With The Memory Of Years

Mirrored Encounter

Good morning.

I hope you are doing well.

It's been so long 

since we've 

seen each

other.

Do you still dream so big?

Good to hear.

I've been doing fine,

been real busy with

life and whatnot.

I wish I had more time

to catch up, feels like 

I'm always running 

around without 

any time to see

what's going on.

You too?

Take care

'Merican

4th.

For one day 

we can forget 

petty differences 

between ourselves

and celebrate

the home

to us all.

How Dark Is Your Dark Side?

Cast Your Choice

Routine fills

most ordinary lives

the way dough

expands in an oven.

This is neither

good nor bad in itself.

Response to routine

will largely

dictate its 

benefit or detriment

to us.

Some will thrive 

under such confines.

Others will not be as fortunate.

Would this be different

in any other era

of this world?

One cannot say.

Only we can determine

the result for 

ourselves.

"How dark is your dark side?" - Andrea, His Name Is Alive

As You Burn Out

Word Manipulation.

The power of language should never be underestimated. 

For someone so in love with sound

the only thing i long for at times

is pure silence.

The heart mourns distance.

It is easy

to begin 

the downward

path to life.

Darkness looms in the distance.

in time it will engulf everything.

Drown doubt in hope.

Hope dies last and in the cruelest of ways.

We cannot avoid contradictions in ourselves.

it is best to embrace them

to retain sanity 

It is best to embrace our inner contradictions than not.

Experienced purity.

How wounded is your love?

Sometimes the only affirmation of life is the end of it.

We must never forget 

the struggle of men yearning to be free

from the tyranny of zealous men.

open your heart

to the sights you cannot explain.

Remember to laugh when the pain is too great.

Remember that all joy and sadness is fleeting.

Our ability to thrive in the midst of mental and physical calamity

is one of our greatest strengths.

Debtors

Does anything we say matter anymore?

Have we given up on each other?

Will we 

go through the motions 

to satisfy

a guilty 

imagined debt?

This meant so much.

Now?

Perhaps nothing.

The Vain and Vapid

Vanity and Ego can be found in abundance in any place we go.

play the part 

of a vapid beauty.

plans always fall into place

whether or not its the place

you originally had in mind.

Strange Light and Darkest Night.

Strange Light

Strange light bathes 

these city streets,

Dark corners hide

from the light.

The unseen city

creeps through 

shadows

as bodies 

sleep til dawn.

Moonlight,

Strange light,

guide me back home.

Moonlight,

Strange light,

take me back.

A Forgotten Scene

Why must 

you rip me apart

with the pain 

in your voice?

Heart broken,

eyes closed tight.

There is no emotion

untouched

by you.

Relief?

there is no relief 

from this life

until the end.

Even then

that is highly

disputed.

Note: the following are random fragments from my notebook 

between the dates of 5/5/09 - 6/30/09

People are assholes until they get what they want.

The Fire and the Fervor.

The Impropriety Of Men.

United By Fate, Divided By Ego.

Be The Tide.

Strange and Fearful Creatures.

As long as there are youth in our world there will be rebellion.

Do you have any idea how many words I have written about you?

necessary heartache.

Pedestrian Taste.

Shut Up and Buckle Down.

Dead Eyes Shining Behind Fallen Faces.

Your ambition will make or destroy you.

The weight of life bearing down on you

is not measurable in an empirical sense,

rather it is felt on the mind and soul.

I am an emotional sponge 

soaking up all your vibrations.

I want to be free of the weight of my soul.

What the eyes don't reveal

the timbre of ones voice does.

Let your pain breath life into you.

You can't begrudge happiness.

Beauty is an ugly thing past its expiration date.

If you never burn you'll never know the sweet taste of ash.

As wonderful as life may be remember

there will always be those willing

to cut your throat away.

This heaven is beautiful.

I wish you could see it too.

Life must be seized at every moment.

A lifetime of passion summarized in one moment.

Emptiness Consumes.

I was in love before I understood 

what those words meant.

I was a fool before I knew

what foolishness was.

I try to escape

whenever I am free.

All flowers wither without water.

We sank to the bottom of the ocean

to see the sights denied by the water above.

Every vacant smile

Every empty laugh

burns a hole

through me.