Her Grief

Wake
Wake
She says
but He cannot
hear her
Wake
Wake
She says
but He cannot
hear her
Learning grief
Nothing prepares you
Her tears upon his face
The chill of Winter
decends

Morning 2/27/18

Change yourself to please yourself

Full Dawn

Awaken
Awaken
Sleep has held you long enough
Light has burst through the darkness
Life is calling to you once more
Answer the call
Answer the call

From darkness all life must emerge
The seed taken root seeking light
as it reaches out from the ground

Heaven in your eyes
Ecstasy between your legs

Mantra

You are the water
You are the dust
You are the heavens

I am the water
I am the dust
I am the heavens

I am the water
You are the water
I am the dust
You are the dust
I am the heavens
You are the heavens

You are the water
You are the dust
You are the heavens

Morning 2/26/18

I wake and live and eat and sleep and 

wake and live and eat and sleep and 

live and eat and sleep and eat and 

sleep and I wake and live and 

eat and sleep and wake and

live and eat and sleep and

live and eat and sleep 

You must move forward

End the cycle 

Morning 2/25/18

These hours of waking

I wonder what it true and

what is yet to be

If there is unease in your heart
Take time to still yourself
Give yourself silence
Close your eyes and listen inward
Breath slowly and gently
Feel the strength of life
beating within you
Listen to the wind
You are here now
You are now here

The words are life
The words are my life

We must cross the bridge to the moon
I will see you there when our feet have touched
the place beyond this world

The life I desire would have no need for money

Life is a steady path of awakening.

I and We

How far we have traveled to be here today
How many years we have lived to have this knowledge
How deeply we love with the full pain and experience of life
I have failed and I have succeeded
I am the embodiment of strength and weakness
This life has broken me and rebuilt me
I am responsible for acts of my own will
I am here because of love
I am here to love
I am here to grow and nurture
I am a child of this Earth
I am an adult of this time
I wish to surpass what I believe is possible
I wish to surpass what I expect of myself
I am traveling further and further in my inner-landscape
I am listening to the voices of the Gods for they are all around
I am to remain humble in the face of nature and death
I am here only a short while and for that I must live wholly
We are together now and forever
We are all sisters and brothers
We must look beyond the trivial skin we use to separate
We are all of one beating heart
We are all of one blood
coursing through veins and arteries

Morning 2/24/18

Everything beautiful is true
and life is waiting for you 
to take the steps on the path
waiting for you my dear 

God of Fire

The nightmare begins in the darkness
of starry skies. Simple pleasures of
people milling about the city park,
surrounded by shops and expectations
of uninterrupted normalcy. Bright light
streaks across the sky and blazing,
crashes into the nearby distance with
a shudder that shakes the earth. At once
terror overtakes as fire bellows and
engulfs the land, spreading like a ravenous
cancer. People screaming in horror, pain
and agony. Pleas to God go unheard and
unanswered. We are running, running
as fast as possible to anywhere as far
as possible. Yet it follows. Flame spreads
faster than seems possible. Flame stalks
us like a predator in the wild. Hours pass
and night does not abate. Running place
to place, finding no quarter, feeling as
though all is lost as the world is birthed
into an incarnation of eternal flame.
What will sate this new God of Fire?
How much flesh does he demand?
How much sacrifice? Can he be sated?
Exhausted, at last, I wake to shining
Sun, wondering when this judgment
will come.

Freewrite 2/22/18

This process repeating itself over and over

and we sit and wonder and wonder and sit

about it all again and again I heard her voice

from my memory It had been so long I miss

her face I miss her presence in the midst of

this darkness I started to write but I would 

stop because the words began to freeze as

they would reach my hands though my 

thoughts continues to race out as best they

could Well did any of us expect anything 

different than what's occurred Standing at

the dawn of the new day with a feeling of 

mixed comfort and ill ease What lies ahead

is what remains and what remains will lie

ahead in wait The Gods wait for us to call

on them by name Incantation to give them

life What I believe and what I do are not 

always in agreement How often do we 

agree with ourselves Is it too late When 

did you last ask yourself that question

Are you alive If you are then it is not too

late And when it is too late it will then 

be time for us to leave this forma and 

become a new incarnation of consciousness

Slate

Clutter chokes the space of my desk
My hands have just enough room to write
Accumulation of relics from passing days
Books and records and knick knacks
sprawled across my desk top
My mind is just as cluttered though
you would be hard pressed to see inside
Does clutter need to have meaning
Is clutter a symptom of a well lived life
Can all of this be released
Can I let go of what has accumulated
Am I strong enough to clear the slate

Growth / Maturity

That feeling of love
that has grown
The maturity to desire
another's happiness
over your own
Loving in this way
does not diminish
what has been felt
only grows it into
something deeper
and more beautiful

harmony

I dreamt of harmony
and when I woke
I could hear them
in my mind as my
eyelids began to
flicker awake
I saw them as lines
moving through the
air in beautiful swoops
dives and ascension
moving in tandem
filling my mind with
their beautiful sound

Winter Day

Cold wind through grey skies

Rainfall turned to bitter hail

Stillness in the evening

Eye of the Moon

watching over us all

Calling and Memory

Calling out to you
Singing your name in the morning air
Your memory keeps me company
All these lonely years are nothing
more than solitude

A beautiful memento to hold
A piece of myself
to view on the pages
of this notebook
To have and to hold
at your leisure

The Mountain

You can't fix your life in just one day
or even a week or month. Life doesn't
work this way. If you want to deal with
your drinking then do so. If you want to
make more money then find another job.
If you want to lose weight then create a
plan for eating better and moving your
body. If you're worried about your health
then go to the doctor. If you're worried
about your teeth then go to the dentist.
If you're scared then go ahead and be
scared but know you will not grow and
change anything unless you start dealing
with these fears one by one. If you're
worried that you will fail then start and
fail and then keep trying, keep learning
so that you will not fail. Your life belongs
to no one but you. No one will force you
to do anything except for you. You are
your own accountability. Your life is
your life. Always remember that. Live
how you have always wished but do so
small piece by small piece. Then, one
day, you will see how the mountain
was moved one handful of dirt at a time.

The Working Poor

When you're the working poor
you live paycheck to paycheck.
Your life is tied to the cycle of
bills you pay in order to live.
There might be a little bit of
money left afterwards but be
assured it'll never be much.
It'll never be enough to save
substantially. You blow off
your students loans because
fuck it, that's why. It's hard
to try and build a future when
all you can see is the never
ending cycle of bills in front
of you. So what do you do?
You drink, you try not to go
out too much, maybe you'll
see a movie every now and
then. If you have family that
live out of state or country
it'll be a herculean effort just
to try and see then once a year.
You live like this because
you feel like there is no choice.
This is your life and your
are trapped within it. You see
people living in homes worth
millions right by your job
and you wonder how they can
afford to live there and what
they must do. You grow to
believe yourself deficient in
some way, perhaps you start
to think you aren't a good
person, perhaps you aren't
working hard enough. You
have health insurance and
dental but you almost never go
because you can't afford the
cost of a visit, so you let your
health go, you let your teeth
be neglected. Tied to this wheel
you dream about breaking it.
You dream of what you would
do with yourself if only you had
the money and the time. You
would help your parents out
and any friends that need it.
You could afford a decent
apartment or perhaps a modest
two bedroom house. The reality
of your life dictates that these
will remain dreams and the longer
these remain dreams the older
you grown as your roots try
to grow in the salted fields.

The Watch

From a distance I watch
the people coming and going.
Hours pass with the human tide.
Solitary in this crowd
though I wonder if
anyone has
seen me.

The Escape

Hanna walked into my office unexpectedly
and said "We have to go. Now." Dumbfounded
at seeing her at my job, I just stared at her. Before
I could say anything she grabbed me by the arm
and started pulling me outside. My boss just watched
as we left. We raced to her car and strapped in.
"What's wrong? What's the matter?", I said.
"Just trust me on this one. Please." "Ok" I said.
She drove us as fast she could through the rush of
midday traffic. The streets and freeways were as
busy as ever. We'd listen to music every now
and then, or we'd just listen to the wind blowing
past the windows. As the city fell behind us she
began to relax just a little. But whatever it was,
I could feel we weren't quite in the clear yet.
We quickly pulled over to refuel at a gas station
where she filled up the tank as well as a few extra
cans of gas that she had in the trunk of the car.
We continued relentlessly onward, further and
further east, towards the desert. Eventually, the
Sun began to fall towards the horizon. We passed
a few of the desert cities and a couple of towns
until we largely became one of the only sounds.
Finally, after hours of driving, she pulled over
to a dirt road off the highway for another half
a mile. There was house there. A little worn
but it looked fine. When she parked in front
she finally let go of a massive sigh. "We're
good for now. We're safe as we're going to
be." I didn't even want to know at this point.
"It's gonna be for the best we try to not watch
the news for at least a few days. I think it's
about to get real ugly, real quick." I just nodded.
The sky was the kind of pastel pink that was
bleeding all across the canvas landscape.
Whatever danger was there was lurking some
place far away. It was silent. Only a slight
breeze touching the dry brush. We walked
inside and closed the door.

Wednesday, February 14th 2018

Love is an expression of the divine. 

Morning 2/13/18

Only you can give yourself your freedom.

Witness to creation.

The innergaze looks longingly
Learning
Breathing
Forgiveness
Learning
Breathing

This habit has become boring
and predictable.
The pleasure of it is now
lacking.
So what now?
To stop. To cease.
Because it has
exhausted itself
at last.

You don't need to do this to yourself.
You understand this now.

Imperfect Student

I am learning still
and in my learning
I fail and forget lessons
that I have been taught
I must always reach
for humility and under
standing at these times
I acknowledge my
failures so that I may
grow and move
past them
I am growing
I am learning
I am imperfect
I am learning
I am becoming
whole piece by
piece day by day

Pendulum at Rest

I watch the pendulum arch back and forth
Steady in it's motion as it moves 
between two extremes

It begins to slow and comes
to rest in the middle

The lesson is here

Past Lives and Current Incarnations

What are we becoming?
That which we have always been.

Incarnation of Now

How many lives have I lived and forgotten?
How many times have I gazed into the mirror
through different colored eyes?
If I could remember everything I have lived
how different would I be?
These lives, these bodies
that have held me
are all resting in our home
as I move about this world once more.
How many times has death taken me
in youth and in age and infirmity?
I do not have those memories
but I keep living
tied to the wheel of existence.
I am learning
and I will keep learning still.
Seeking ultimate freedom-
how many more lives
yet remain.

Morning 2/11/18

The more I learn the more I become unsure
of my thoughts and opinions. Education
should always function in this way. For us
to grow we must learn the limits of what we
know. From those limits we can push forward
and expand what we do. This cycle repeats
itself endlessly in all lives. There is no point
in any life where it is even close to possible
to know and understand everything. That is
an illusion.

Realize we are all searching.

What we are searching for is what defines us.

Morning 2/10/18

The grand illusion of life is that we live
in a feigned immortality.
We largely act in a way that oftentimes
neglects the very idea of our mortality.
When this is disrupted we are placed
into a panic at the reminder of our
very impermanence.

Al Gore Rhythm

Repetition
Cycles of time
History as a wheel
Everything come back
Everything a pattern
of a larger unseen whole

Oh how i dreamed
and i dreamed
until i woke
yet i could not forget
the visions before me
haunting me
in the waking world

An Invitation to Violence

I had watching him for some time around town.
He had the calm collected countenance of a
person who was always in and on the know
of all the best happenings. He traveled in all
the creative circles but would slum it with
musicians every now and then. I'll be honest,
he's not the kind of person I would ever have
an normal interest in. But if someone fucks
with one of your close friends then taking
an interest in someone like him is no longer
so strange. Especially after what he had done.
I had seen him at a few of her shows and he
never lingered too long, just long enough for
her to know he was there and make her
uncomfortable. I maintained my distance at
all these gigs but I always had to make sure
to not let my emotions get the best of me.
Who was he? He was an art world taste
maker who believed himself to be above
reproach. He curated galleries in LA, NYC,
and some overseas. If you were in art then
you had to know who he was. Power. Abuse.
Drugs. Coercion. Entitlement. What a piece
of shit human being. I won't tell you exactly
what happened but it was enough for me
to begin to slowly take action. Creating a
web one thread at a time. Our desire for
retribution when there is no recourse for
judicial action is strong. It is like an ancient
need for primal justice against those we
love who had been wronged. I had no desire
to take life, only to inspire fear and terror.
To maim him, to let him know that there
are those who don't care who he is, that
not all of us are cowed by the fleeting whims
of popularity and influence. That all these
things are hollow when your life is in the
hands of someone willing to end you if
it came down to it. I want him to know
there are those of us willing to act on an
invitation to violence.

The Dreamer

This story begins where everything ends.
Everything ends because given enough time
that is what happens to everything. All life,
all things in the material world are destined
to destruction if you look far enough down
the timeline. Which end are we speaking
about? Could it be the end of one human
lifetime? Could it be at the end of all human
life and civilization? It can be all these things.
I was the last human on this Earth. Do you
believe me? If you're reading this you might
be wondering how this was possible. If you're
reading this then I suppose I was wrong.
That is unless you are something beyond
human that can comprehend the words of a
feverish and dying man. It came to be that
after civilization ground to a halt and all the
wars and devastation were done that were
few and fewer of us here. At the end I had
not seen proof of another human in 7 years.
Somehow I persisted in this dead and solitary
world. I was weary. I was tired. I had been
suicidal. Living, being what it is, is a hard
habit to break. So I lived. I lived and searched
to the fullest extent I could. I roamed and
searched and searched and searched. The
years began to stretch behind me like a dead
tail I kept dragging around. The ghosts of
everyone haunted me in my sleep and in
the shadows of day. I grew to question my
very existence but even that was not enough
to end it. Why would it? Instinct and hope
kept pushing me further and further. Yet,
here I am. Believing myself to be the last
of us. As far as I know, I am. Generations
upon generations of cumulative success and
failure in the hands of a dying man. How
much more can I say? What more can I say?
It is not possible to sum up all my thoughts
on what I have lived and suffered, nor
enough time or space to give any eulogy
or write an epitaph for all of us. When we
fall asleep we dream. Now I must sleep.
And in this sleep I will roam forever. I am
going home. I am going home to see you
all again.

Is There Heaven

Early morning
8am
Creeping warmth
of the Sun
The town bell
strikes the hour
Children are walking
to school
An old man
rides a bicycle
to meet his niece
for breakfast
I get out of my
hammock
My feet touch tile
as I open windows
and doors
letting in air
and light
I walk past
the kitchen
into the yard
and sit at
the table
Chirping
and flitting
Wind amplifies
the leaves
I book I left
sitting there
I open it
Begin to read
Lost in this
heaven
Home
Quiet
In the place
where nothing
and everything
resides

Morning 2/7/18

All they need to do is divide us
in order to keep us
from creating the progress
that we are in dire need of

Are we bothering to listen
to each other
or are we content
to merely talk at
one another

Morning 2/6/18

Put your head on the pillow
Don't worry about the world
Tomorrow will be here soon
and so will you
Everything will be everything

Sentinel

How many years has it been
since my birth
that I have stood watch here?
Alone on the cliff
overlooking the bay
I watch the waters
come and go
as the wind touches
my extremities.
Sometimes I sigh
when the loneliness
becomes too much
but this rarely occurs.
I am mostly content here
to watch. From time
to time people
keep me company
and will rest
beneathe my shade
and share my view.
We are together in peace.
Sometimes lovers
will come to me
late at night
as the stars glimmer
in the dark heavens
above us. I'll look away
as I feel their warmth
at my roots. This is
my life and it goes
on and on, for how
many years I cannot say.
I am content to be here
and man this watch.
With every passing year
I feel my roots dig
deeper and grow
stronger. I am a child
of the earth and
am pleased to be at home.

Departure

I listened when you said it was time for us to go.
The years and the miles grow and grow
yet we are no closer to the dream.
Could it be that you were wrong?
Could it be that I do not see what you see?
It is possible.  Does this mean
we have failed or should we
redefine the goal? Is there a goal?
There was. Once. We have long since
left familiarity. Only each other.
That is all we have.
We are all we have.

The Painter

Her arm extended out to the canvas
Bristles dipped in paint
began to create life
A slow parade of color unfolding
Silent in her work
Yet mindful of her space
Sunlight catching dust
at moments so small
as to be imperceptible
A smile ever so light
moving across her lips
Colors patiently waiting
on the palette
Her heart growing and
beating all at once

Purple Flower Bloom

purple flower blooming
on bruised skin
painful to the touch
hazy edges
blending into flesh
it hurts though
the pain lessens
with time
it lingers on
until it begins
to slowly fade
and then one day
it has gone
but it's memory
remains when you
look on the place
where your flesh
had once been
tender and bruised

Espejo

Wear the same face you've always had
but when you look in the mirror
what is different?

Is this the same face from childhood?
Is this the same face you wore at age 8?
Is this the same face you wore at age 18?

Has your hair grown longer?
Does gray streak your hair in uneven amounts?
Have you grown a beard?

We are familiar strangers to ourselves

Dreaming Into Reality

Dreaming of morning
you soon awake

Waking and living
through the day

you day dream
and wonder of all

the possible paths
yet untaken

Concentrate on now
Create the life

you have longed for