those who know and those who are going to know

it is not always
as it seems.
sometimes
it's worse.



we hold each other close
because no one else
will hold us so tight.


i am not scared
but i am worried.
i am waiting
for the things
which i know
i should be
acting upon.


in love
or
in Love?



careful where you let your heart tread
for the life you destroy
may not be your own.


guilty parties sometimes
feel no remorse
for what they have wrought.



deer hearts

If I Love You

first person p.o.v
i don't know
how i stay alive sometimes.
at certain moments
i don't feel like i am the one
that is living my life.
at those times it almost feels
like i am another being
getting a first person
perspective on
the life of a man.
watching and moving with him
through the course of the days
and hearing his thoughts
at every turn.
it is a strange thing.
from what everyone says
this seems to be
how life always is.


dream by day
i daydream about
the things
that my mind wishes
it could manifest
in a moment.
traveling to new
places that i have always
desired or simply
returning to
a much simpler time
in my life.
the simple times
have not always been so
and even when they were
there was always
something else
in the way.


new advice i've heard.
it is not how much education you have
it is how hard you work.
at least that is what i've been hearing lately.


cold feet
my feet
are cold.
that could be
because i have
failed to
put on any
shoes or socks,
compounded
by the fact
that my floor
is all tile.
my feet are cold
and that has
nothing
to do with you
at all.


exhausted bastard
as tired and worn
as i may have been
last night when i got home
it was still very hard
for me to shut off
my mind and let myself
go to sleep.
that is always very
disconcerting to me.
sometimes on those nights
i think the only reason i sleep
is because my body
physically needs it
more than anything else
no matter what my mind
may be up to.

Don't Die While You're Alive

Former Titles
we have known each
other for so long
that maybe
we misstepped
and now certain
terms for each other
are now outmoded
between us
since the bond has
become something
else altogether.
perhaps its dissolved
or we have just gone
down different avenues
by accident or on purpose.
our former term for
each other is now to be buried.
Friend.



some advice
disappointment happens
but the important thing
is to not let it always
bury your heart
and hopes
beneathe its weight.

brief sounds and beautiful certainty

you
when you are sick
i think about you
and how i wish i
could be there
at your side.



placed/falling
the pieces
can't always
be allowed
to fall into
place.
the rest of
the time
they must
be put
there
carefully
by hand
one piece
at at time.



we are one
when we are
together.



pretty girls
i took
the spark
which you gave me
and made it
into a fire
that has lit
my path
ever since
that day.


tonality
the only thing
better than hearing
such a beautiful
sound is being
inside
creating it.

You've Got To Be Crazy

5 initials
i shoot back and forth
between
emotional extremes
when i think about
the path i am pursuing
with those
at my side.
i am always
concerned
and always trying
to look out for them
as i hope they
are looking out for me.
we are in a place
where we will
be climbing uphill
for the foreseeable
future.
as long as i have them
there shoulder
to shoulder
with me
i think
that perhaps
we can do this
together.


unity in distance
to create
we must live.
to live
we must
be apart.
we must take
all our hearts
desires
and our body's
experiences
and give voice
to all of it
through
word and
meter.


bastard heart
my heart
yearns for you.
it thinks,
it knows
that you are the only
perfect fit for us.
the body may cheat
but the heart
has always been
faithful
to you.



midnight dearest
hearing you
weakened
voice
coming through to me
on the phone
made me want
to reach out
to you
and put you
in my arms and
just feel
your warmth
and hope
that my touch
can heal you.

You Can't Keep Living Like This

you can't keep living like this.
this isn't so bad
but it's not that good
either.
the security
is nice as you
can imagine
but it does wonders
for killing a potential
late night encounter
when that's all
you have on your mind
at that time.
living like a grown child
is not the way you should
be. you know better
than this.
be the man
you keep saying
you know you are.
until then
you won't know for sure.



each end
we occupy
opposite ends
of the same spectrum.
on my end
i wish i could have
the security
and comfort
of a home and spouse
to call my own.
of a job with
health benefits
and a steady income.
it sounds like some
kind of
nightmarish dream
come true for
so many of you.
my life is set
in shifting tides of sand
and i wander where i may
and let life unfold
into the kaleidoscope
which we all know it to be.
i am poor
i live like a dog
i worry about money
i worry that i may never find that great love
(or perhaps i already let it slip by)
i worry that the art i make will fall
on deaf ears
i worry that all my effort is for naught
i worry that maybe i have thrown my life away
i worry that i have accomplished nothing
i worry that maybe i will die alone.
so perhaps your end of the spectrum
is not so bad in light of all these things,
but if i carry on with all of it
to its' conclusion
then maybe
just maybe
i will outlive you all
in endeavor.


we would be fools if we believed that everything will always turn out alright.



factism
ambition must be tempered
with work and talent
to succeed.
that hasn't stopped
most hacks
from fame
and wealth.
so don't let it
deter you.


factism 2
money
and the pursuit of
material wealth
is what will
destroy the many
because
of the few.

It's A Lazer Lazer Lazer Love

re(create)-e(+ion)
sense and reason
have no real place
when it comes to
creating art it seems.
this is not always true
though it seems to be
as much more often
than not.
finding a middle ground
between creativity
and objective
clarity is difficult
to obatin but is
not in the realm
of impossibility.


piece by piece
the day demands
everything from us
at all times.
instead of giving in
and giving it all
in one fell swoop
we must parcel
it out bit by bit
to make sure
we don't give
ourselves
away completely.



in places where the heart echoes quietly
i would travel
across the sea
to find
the clarity
i have been
missing over here.
then again
it might not be any
different from this.
or it could be
everything
i've dreamed of
and more.
tasks remain
to be done
here
before anything
else
can be
explored.

I See A Light In Your Dark Eyes

those back home
trouble
seems to stalk
all of us from
time to time.
hearing about
some family
back in
the home country
reminded me
of this fact.
it gets us for a little
while, then
takes off
for elsewhere.



mnemonic
we are passing
through similar
coordinates
at different times.
thoughts are
shared or
exchanged through
these unseen
psychic means.
i guess
that when
the moment
comes
it will be
all the more
enjoyable.



tard and feathered.
tomorrow night
at this time
i will be pacing
about
as i am wont
to do on
the occasion.
waiting in
nervous
anticipation
to do that
which
gives release
to everything
on the
inside.


something uncle mario said
death is coming
so
you might as well
spend
all that money
you
have sitting in
your
savings account.
no
use leaving it
all
for those who
could
care less.

Fault Lines

algo para mi mama y papa
no fue nada que hicieron.
las ninas
estan viviendo
sus vidas.
no han madurado
y eso se puede ver
muy facilmente.
en tiempo
van a ver
los erores
de sus vidas.


current events
its so easy
to get caught up
with your own
problems
concerns
worries
hopes
dreams
that you
can lose
sight of
those around
you
with out
meaning to.
the trick
is to take
those blinders
off periodically
and make sure
everyone is
holding on
tight and
ok.


from somewhere i can't recall
i've been in love
and
i've been in lust
and i've grown
wise enough
to say that
i know
the difference
between
the two.


Tyler
i won't fail you
little brother.
i'll be the brother
you need
in the ways
i was not
when i was
younger
toward
our other
siblings.

Rani Rayha

a little
it is
but
then again
it isn't
always.
but
when
it is
then
always
sometimes
isn't.



not tonight
dear
but maybe tomorrow.



a void filled
love is not for me.
it is a thing
that i have always
wanted to believe.
i have filled
the empty spaces
with something
else to keep me
whole.


defeatist
if you think
you could love me
then perhaps
you just don't
know me
well enough
yet.


recluse
when you
stay inside
for hours at a time
trying to get
your body
and mind back
it is easy
to let both
play tricks
on you

Starless and Bible Black

a less than morning
feels like
my throat
is ripping itself
apart bit by bit
as the night time
hours have passed
in progression
to this early morning.
so i sit here now
wide awake
with that ache
growing inside
of me.


Passive Aggressive Assholes Are Still Better Than Regular Assholes
passion by its very definition
will have some amazing
results but always runs the risk
of misinterpretation.
all i expect from you
is only that which i expect
from myself.
nothing more
nothing less.
there is nothing
in that statement
that can be misunderstood.
i will quit before
you do.
that is a fact.



all i want to do
is sleep away
the pain in my body
and wake up
at a new day.



this chill is freezing me
as the dawn
makes itself
seen once more.

P.A.A. Part II
passive
aggressive
asshole?
better that
than whatever
the alternative
may be.
lets not point fingers
cause
neither of us
is free from
mistakes.
i will always admit mine.
remember
my words are never
out of malice to you.
i would no sooner
raise my hand
to strike you
than i would
do that
with
my
words.



blind faith dreaming idiots run the risk of failure and success
if you do not follow
the blind passion
that fuels you
then you are just a
little bit less
complete than
you hope to be.
if you have let
your parents,
your friends,
and life discourage
you from the calling
of your heart
then you are more
dead than
those
who lie in wait
in the ground.

"sad paper courtesan, they found him just a man."


fuck art, fuck artists
there is no real glamor
in a pursuit that is so
off putting to so many
though the many
may love to hear
the fruits
of those works.


knock knock and try not to stutter
sometimes
there is nothing better to do
than to just sit
here typing away
in peace and quiet
when the onslaught
of the coming days
stands knocking
patiently at my door.


#####
lets get back to one
or barring that
then two.



dear old man,
you are dead old man
and i have seen
where you rest
these days.
i could sleep all
day at your grave
and think that
maybe i could dream
all those dreams
you no longer can
for you as i lie there
waiting and searching
for answers
from a clear blue sky.


dicho
it is always a foolish mistake
to place your faith in either
man or religion.

Keeping It Brief

Earl Grey
pour me some
hot water
into a cup
and let the
tea bag
steep
for just a bit.
bring the cup
up to your lips
and blow away
some of the warmth
and take a sip
of the purest
good
one can
bring
into
themselves.



maybe together
we can blot out
the sun

Dreams Are Just Lies The Heart Believes

because i do
why should i care
what you do?
i probably
shouldn't
but i do.
don't drag
me down
when i'm trying
to pull you
up with me.



easy
we work
on our words
and let them
stream forth
in a torrent
of expression
at the end of
our dreary day.


present tense description
do you think
i've given up
on you
and moved on
to someone else
with my
philandering
heart?
i haven't
and i wonder
how you are.


a certain situation



dreams are just lies the heart believes

Destroy Me, I Dare You.

"Life Is Suicide." - Me.



"Reality is grossly overrated." - Joe Nolte



not so random speculation
This is what i want.
you know this
and i know this.
perhaps that is why
this is so hard
and terrifying.
the fact there could be
a threat to it
from within
is nerve wracking to
no end.
personal choices are
just that.
in some cases
they end up
having repercussions
far greater
than any individual
could have known.
i am speculating
but it seems like
these speculations
are valid.
i would rather do this
than anything else.
don't do this to me.


give lust a chance
all i could think of
was you last night.
from the moment
i saw you walk by
me i couldn't help
but want to possess
you in every way
all last night
and this morning.
i'm sure i will see
you again tonight.
but perhaps the moment
has passed
and someone else
will be there
in your place
or perhaps not.

"he blew his mind out in a car, he didn't notice that the lights had changed."
- The Beatles, A Day In The Life from Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band


perhaps life is getting ready for lift off
after all of these years.


now
the time to jump
over the edge into no mans land
has come.
there is no bottom
there is no net
there is nothing
but falling
and making the best of it.




"i don't wanna hear it" - Minor Threat



cold feet on a cold morning is no way to start the day.

an inanimate thank you
couch you've been good to me
on all those nights
when i would fall asleep
dead drunk on you
as my entire body
was filtering out
the poison i had so willingly
put into it in such quantity.
now i fall asleep on you
dead tired when it's late as hell
and driving would be suicide.
thanks couch.



when everything wrong is right
all our love is empty.
all our fears fully grounded.
everything beautiful turns
ugly and dead.
the strongest
are the weakest
after all.
all suspect motives
fully warranted.
all your words
nothing but passing wind.
all you gazes empty.
all truth
rendered impotent.
all monkeys
have gone
to heaven.


dead and relative.


THROUGH
if you push me
you will see
i will not surrender
to you
and your future mistakes.
never forget
that i love you.
but if you force it upon me
i will have no choice
but to say and act out
this statement:

"The Only Way Out Is Through."

just saturday

this saturday
this is
one of those days
that is meant to be
burned away.
not every moment
has to be filled
with pure
unadulterated excitement.
there needs to be
quiet moments
to let the body
and mind
gather its spent pieces
and bring them
to semblance once more.
the calm repose
is more than welcome
after some of these days.


throw away piece
i am
trying
and i am seeing
some results.
time to
batten down
the hatches
and sail
full speed
into the
unknown.


some thing i have noticed
the problem
with everyone i know
is we are all
still waiting to grow up
in some way or another.
when i see those faces
i don't see adults,
i see the same kids
and teenagers
that we were
almost ten years ago.

greedy
greed is by no means a virtue
but it is something
we all share in someway.
whether lusting for
the unattainable flesh
or for wealth without end
there is something
we would horde like
the robber barons of old.

Listening to you in Still Corners

don't let me break your heart.
i am not as good as you may
make me out to be.
i don't want to be the one
you cry yourself to sleep over.



clockworksong
your voice
lures my heart in
and soon
my soul
follows suit.
with the beat
floating in midair
and the organ
spiraling
in between
sounds
which surround
the dreams
now in space.
keep
singing,
keep
playing
for me
all of
this
night.
let there
be no
dawn
so this
may last
forever.


disappear
i am losing
parts
of myself
but i am
more than ok
letting
those parts go.

Forever For Never

5am bedtime
we are a family
by conscious choice.
we fight,
we argue,
we get angry,
we might yell at each other
but that is only some of the time.
we may be fraught
with these problems
but we are more than that
to each other.
we love each other,
we are friends,
we support each other,
we drink,
we laugh,
we share meals,
we share hopes
and a common dream.
that more than makes up
for everything else.
we will always
be balancing
between extremes
but that is how
it should be.
at least we know
we will never
be bored.




if there were no music
there would be no soundtrack
to our dreams.



better now than never.

Past Lives

Past Lives
i listened to the old songs
we used to play
in years past
and i didn't feel nostalgic.
it was more a feeling
of being a different person
at a different time.
i guess thats what it really is.
we have changed and moved on
to what we have now.
i think it's far better
than what we did then.
we are older,
a little wiser
and more adventurous.
it is excruciating sometimes
but i would not trade
you or
what we are doing now
for anything else.


not a fortune teller
i am not attempting
to predict the future
between you and me.
i would much rather
take it night by night
and phone call by
phone call to see
where we might go.


building/steam/grain/salt
it is not all random.
there is order
and deliberate
action to all
of this.


how to be happy in one easy step
stop caring
about the emptiness
that is most of
modern life
and learn to care
about the things
which matter.

the mortality sequence

flaxseed eyes


future tense
i went to your funeral today
and couldn't help
but feel a little
better inside
knowing the fight
was over now
as they lowered
you into the ground.
it wouldn't have mattered to me
what the weather would
have been like today.
if it had been beautiful
and bright or overcast
and rainy,
it would have still ended
with watching
that casket
get lowered
6 feet closer to
the heart of our world.
there was crying,
some sad laughter
at the silly moments
and memories
that were now
the flame
of you
burning inside
those tearful hearts.
i make no promise
except one
to honor
your memory,
to live as best i can
until my turn
to get lowered
6 feet down
comes along.


you're getting old man
25 isn't old
but it's not
exactly young
now either.
it's another number
added to the original sum.
its another year
being subtracted
from the final
total
which is the
unknown variable
that will show itself
only in time.


surrender?
all your friends
have surrendered
to life and its
easy promises.
will you give in
in time
or will you
fight those words
until it has to
come to the ultimate
end?

Part Time Office Jobs In Hell

the rules
balance is everything.
never be too kind.
never be too angry.
do not deny emotion
but
do not suppress it
either.
to be on one extreme
or the other for
too long
is fly off into the other
at a moments notice.
these are not rules
as much as suggestions
and they are
made to be
malleable.



part time office jobs in hell
if i wanted to go
down the easy path
of life
i would have
done so
by now.
almost all
my old friends
have done as much.
i do not begrudge them
for there is nothing
to begrudge about.
i have made
what i am sure many
would call the fools choice.
this fools choice however
has been rewarding
and punishing
in equal amounts.
that will to create,
to express
and to live
outside of the norms
sold to us our whole lives
is what drives me.
for better,
for worse
it is where i am at.
have fun at the office,
i have things
to create and
moments
to live.


make sense of it.
there is no sense
of superiority,
only humbleness
inside.
we all know what is best
for ourselves
through contrary
action.

watt and baiza
i would have to say
that those two men
are good examples
of how to live life
by your own rules
and never,
ever settling for
anything less than
your dreams
and expectations.
if you can't see that
in them,
then you have less sight
than a blind man.

3 away

node tails for you.
last night
was pretty draining
in the ways
that good nights
should be draining.
a hot heavy air
in a small
space
as the rain falls.
such are the things
the living do
to remember
the importance of life.


another night in pedro
conversation between
those of my generation
and those from the recent past
always make me think
that things were so much
better, more exciting
and interesting.
i am sure they were not.
those who were not
romanticize
the poverty
of creative
youth living
on the fringe.

end piece
i would write more
but my mind
is failing
my hands
as one attempts
to work as
the other
attempts
to rest.there is
no satisfying the two.

writing in a fit of hopefulness

allofus
it's a funny thing
to pin your hope
on something
or someone.
it is all we can do
and we will do it
time and again.
through the
falling rain
and the
scorching sun,
from here
to eternity.


life sustained from the ground on up.
purify the ground
by scorching it.
bring the harvest
with the rain
soaking the soil.


dinner plans
pure nerves
and anxiety.
unlike so many
recent times
this is for
purely
good reasons.


because of the invisible medium
did we get it right this time around
by pure random chance?
it will be amazing
if that turns out to be the case.
this world has a way of
surprising you in the ways
you least expect when.


lessons
i will learn this time
from everything i have done before.
i was younger then
than now.
one learns much
after being alone
for so long.

Load Bearing Darkness

not this time
you come knocking
on my door
after being invited
so many times
and never coming by.
now
you expect me
to let you in
when you come by
unannounced
at my door?
i think not.
now,
stop ringing my
doorbell.



your velvet
gloved hand
goes every place
that feels
pleasure.



perfection is boring.
beauty without
flaw is
ugly.
glory without
struggle
is empty.
fame without
love
is useless.
music without
soul
is noise.
laughter without
cause
is madness.
reason without
logic
is pointless.
money without
charity
is heartless.
life without
end
is cruel.
me without
you
is what i now need.

change
for the first time
in as far as i can remember
when we were speaking on the phone
i was thinking of a person
that wasn't you
and how much i would rather
talk to her
than you
at that moment.

looing forward to friday

your bedroom walls
i don't feel so
anxious right now
knowing that
there is someone
like you
in my life
at the moment.
in fact,
this might be
the most
at ease
i have felt in such
a long,
long
time.


over it
you have been
in my life
for so long.
after so much
wishing,
hoping,
dreaming
that we could
be more than just
what we have been.
i think that maybe
i have run my course
with you
in my heart.
i haven't
felt so relieved
in such a long time.

First One Down The New Rabbit Hole

get it in your head
it would have
happened by now
if you had
wanted it to.
that is not conjecture.
that is fact.
standing by
watching the evening
unfold
it becomes all too
apparent
about where
we stand.
no one
is to blame.
there is nothing
to be blamed about
except
the stubborn
heart that has
refused
to be ignored.


HEAVEN IS NO PLACE FOR A DEAD MAN


the Bad Brains said it best, cause i'm moving, i'm moving on. cause i'm sailing, i'm sailing on
and on and on.....


doppelganger
two were where
there was but one before.
one a lost cause
fought for over the years.
the other was a new
proposition
that i wanted to conquer
for one night.
all in all
any of it
would have been a fools
pursuit.
how often
that is the case
i would rather
not know.


new years resolutions
are for people with
out the strength
to make a choice
and stick with it
without need
for symbolic
rebirth
when it is just
one more day
in the life
of our world.


catch a cold in the hottest desert
the world has shown
me many things.
now in my own
personal quest
has revealed even more.
some are truths
that i had not known
until i acted.
others are ones
that are heartbreaking
for no one but me.


Go
Ahead
and
Fail
Now
to
Save
Yourself
the
Time.


the difference between failure and success
is the amount of determination
one puts in their endeavors.
even failure can be defined
as success if growth and change has been achieved.


confucious ain't got shit on me.

this is
like a mental stockpile
being emptied out
as fast as possible
before
it goes away.
better to do it when
it is fresh
than trying to force
words together
that want nothing
to do with you.


if you believe you know the truth
then you are sadly mistaken.
it is never quite as easy
or as obvious as you may think.


i suppose i am merely
lamenting my past and present failures
with someone i should have
forgotten a long time ago.


melted wax
for a few moments
in an all too fleeting night
all eyes and ears were there
focused on those sounds.
driving them with my actions
and having to say nothing.
now it is morning
and it is cold
and as removed from those moments
as reason is from our age.


Every Party You Have Ever Been To.
every body
plays a part
in a tapestry of
conscious desire
and biological imperative.
our problems and misunderstandings
as human beings
all stem from
our mental self awareness
and the base needs of biology.
the two can never
seem to be reconciled.



i walk on broken glass and i walk on dying kings.


to any new comers:
you don't know
what kind of heart ache
you are getting
yourself into.


self aware
why bother with the past?
because its tendrils have not loosened
their grip on my heart and mind.
but i must be a good gardener
and cut them away
in order
to continue to grow.


Song Bird
sorry i missed your call.
i would rather have spent the rest
of the night somewhere else
alone with you
than any one else
that i was with last night.
only because
you have been a breath of
fresh air to me
in a time when
perhaps
i need it the most.